David’s Journal

Left Behind
July 5, 2006

I left something behind this weekend.

A part of me.

Thanks to the Fourth of July landing on a Tuesday this year, my boss decided to give us all a four-day weekend. I spent the entire weekend at my friend’s house in Riverside, some 60+ miles east of where I live, along with my sister and other friends. Six of us all together. I somehow lucked out to sleep on an air mattress on the living room floor, where a cute little kitten decided to smack me the in face at random times throughout the night. Needless to say, I didn’t get much sleep this weekend.

But we had a lot of fun. We saw Superman Returns at a drive-in movie theater. We went down to La Jolla Beach on Monday. Caught a firework show in Burbank on the Fourth. Great time. Full weekend. (And lots of DVD movies and not-so-healthy food the rest of the weekend. heheh.)

But it was also a personally significant weekend for me.

You see, no one else knew it, but I had been to La Jolla Beach once before…

A long time ago.

It’s just outside San Diego, a truly beautiful area. The water’s nice, the waves are big enough to boogie board or surf in certain areas. The sand is nice and soft … and nearby, there’s rocky cliffs and a nude beach not too far away from what I understand, too. lol.

Rewind nearly three years ago… September 14, 2003.

I had *just* returned to California my second time. It was a long and painful summer — the situation with my family had reached an all-time worst. I didn’t want to leave California in the first place, and fully intended to come back as quickly as possible. So I was back, mid September, credit cards maxed out, no savings, and no job.

The initial plan was to be a truck driver. Yes, a truck driver. Hauling 48-foot trailers full of goods and products from coast to coast. It sounds like a lot of fun — getting paid to do road trips — but let me tell you, driving 10-15 (or more) hours per day, 7 (or more) days per week, 25 (or more) days per month … it really wears on you fast. And after driving back to California a second time, I was beginning to have serious second thoughts about this career decision.

But I needed something, and I needed it fast. Everything in my being was telling me not to go be a professional truck driver. I knew it was the wrong decision for me even when I was back in truck driving school. But I too desperately needed to get out of Florida and away from my family, so I took it.

September 14th was a Sunday. Less than 24 hours later, I was supposed to start orientation at my new company. But I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t go through with it.

But what was I to do? I needed to think. Clear my head. Come up with some sort of plan. I decided to go to the beach, as that’s often a great place for me to think. A friend at the time recommended La Jolla Beach, and gave me rough directions how to get there.

Once there, I started walking along the shore, searching for answers. Would I go through with truck driving? Do it temporarily and save up some money? Not show up at all and apply for local jobs like crazy instead? What would I want to do? What could I do that would pay enough to live on?

I came up to the rocky cliff area and began climbing along the narrow trail. I like climbing mountains. It helps me feel a sense of conquering my problems and challenges. As I went, I noticed someone in a wet suit sitting by herself on a ledge. She was laying there, looking out at the incredible ocean view, all alone and by herself.

I had a strange feeling.

I needed to talk to her.

Now, I’ve had this feeling with people before. It happens every once in a long while. I just get this nudge, this intuition, that I need to go talk to some stranger. In the past, it turned out that the person was going through a hard time, and just needed to know someone cared … or maybe, they had something to say to me, an answer I was looking for or needing.

But I wasn’t sure this time. It wasn’t easy to get to this girl from where I was at, and I still had a lot on my mind. I had to come back this way anyway, and if I still felt like I needed to talk to her, I would.

Well, sure enough, she was still there when I came back, and I still felt like I needed to go make contact.

So I did.

She saw me and waved at me before, but apparently didn’t notice my return. “Nice day,” I said, to break the silence and introduce my presence. She must’ve been lost in her own world because I apparently startled her. We had a little small talk — usually that’s all it takes when I get these “intuitive impulses” to go talk to somebody. She asked if I was from around here. I told her I was from Riverside, to which she gave me a strange look. Like she didn’t know where that was (Riverside’s a big place, but not quite as big as a city like Los Angeles). Maybe she was just confused what the heck I was doing all the way down here in San Diego. lol. But after some brief small talk and awkward silence, she got up and headed out.

Before she left, she stopped to shake my hand. “I’m Natasha,” she said.

“David,” I replied. “Nice to meet you.”

“You too,” she said.

It was at that moment that my angel whispered in my ear, “Look, she’s got freckles.”

I hadn’t noticed. But he was right.

And what do freckles have to do with ANYTHING, you ask? lol.

Rewind a couple years before that (early to mid 2001, I believe). I was with a spiritually gifted friend, practicing developing and playing with our spiritual gifts and abilities. I was learning how to “scan” and “sense” things at the time. I remember one night we were talking about my soul mate, and I tried “sensing” who she was, and I picked up that she had freckles.

Fast forward a couple years, but several months before meeting Natasha at La Jolla Beach. I was still in Florida, recently returning from my first excursion to California. Several sources kept encouraging me to define who and what I was looking for in a soul mate. So I made my “must haves” list — the things that are most important to me, as well as a preferred descriptive list, ideally speaking. :)

When I finished the list, I heard a little voice pass through my mind that said in so many months, days, hours, and minutes, I was going to meet the girl described on this list.

Now, maybe it was God, maybe it was just my imagination. I honestly don’t know. But just for curiosity’s sake, I made a note of it and tried to forget about it.

Back to La Jolla Beach, September 14, 2003. Natasha walked off — no real benefit or reason for either of us meeting, as far as I could tell. Oh well. Maybe my intuitive nudge was off or something. I didn’t care. I had more important things to worry about — like how I was going to pay rent next month.

Obviously, I decided *not* to be a truck driver. I followed my intuition and applied for a specific job on Monday, to which I was interviewed for on Tuesday, and began working that Friday evening. Wow, talk about fast! :)

But I ended up going back to Florida one more time, to return to school no less. I left California only two months after arriving, returning to Florida at the very end of October.

Sometime in November, I came across my old soul mate list … and the note of “when” I was supposed to meet her. I did the math, and if you calculate it a certain way (adjusting for time zones and such), it landed exactly on September 14, 2003, at approximately the same time I met Natasha. (I don’t know for sure, because I wasn’t expecting it at the time, and didn’t bother to check my watch.)

Huh. Well that’s interesting.

Did I meet my soul mate and let her slip away? hahah. I doubt it. With 20/20 hindsight now, I know I was no where near ready for her at the time. After returning to Florida, I went through some major growth and healing. And just six months ago now, even greater changes and growth in my life. I simply wasn’t ready; I was a different person back then. Not the man she’d end up marrying. And, for years I had been praying, if there was a way for me to meet my soul mate before I was “supposed” to meet her, for God to please make it happen somehow.

So, was this random girl I felt compelled to meet … was she “the one”? lol. I honestly don’t know. It could have just been some random girl — nothing more. Maybe she did need me to say hi — maybe she was feeling alone and just needed to know someone cared enough to say hello. Maybe that was the one and only time in my life I’d ever see this girl.

But, there’s just enough interesting and curious connections to make me wonder … what if? ;) lol. What if God did somehow arrange a situation for me to meet my future wife, long before it was time to actually get to meet her? And wait until I was already back in Florida before letting me realize who that random girl was. lol.

It makes for an incredibly romantic story, don’t you think?

Look, I’m open to my dream girl being whoever she may be — wherever she may be. I’m not limiting out other possibilities, just because her name isn’t “Natasha” or because she lacks freckles. lol. That’d be silly.

But still… it’s there, in the back of my mind, wondering…

And when my friends voluntarily decided to go to La Jolla Beach this past weekend … I really began to wonder.

Fast forward and return to the present. July 3, 2006. The beach was crowded, very crowded. The water was great. I had a lot of fun hanging out with my friends. And just up the shore — there they were, those very same rocky cliffs I climbed almost three years earlier. The very same place I met this mysterious girl.

I had to do something. For me, for closure.

While some friends were soaking up a tan and others playing in the waves, I took an opportunity to go off for a walk by myself. And I returned to find that very place again.

I don’t know what I was expecting or why I was doing it. Maybe just for sentimental or nostalgic value. Maybe to connect with a piece of my past — and a very emotionally difficult time in my life. Maybe secretly I was hoping to somehow run into her again, and this time, welcome her into my life.

As I returned to the cliff side, I realized I must’ve been insane. It was very steep, the paths were very narrow, and it was a long fall to a very rocky bottom. I honestly don’t know how or why I “walked” this path before. lol. I had to have been crazy. heheh.

And, even though I found the spot where she and I met once before, I couldn’t quite get to it this time. The trail had been closed off. I remember a few years ago, it was marked as very dangerous. Perhaps a couple years of erosion have made it unsafe to traverse at all.

Still, I was close enough, and it gave me take to reflect.

And I decided … no matter how much I want this special girl in my life (whoever she is), no amount of prayer or manifesting or hopefulness is going to bring her to me. She needed to come when she was ready; no sooner. So, I did something new for me. I released her.

In my heart, I let her go. In my heart, I told her I hoped she’d find me soon. In my heart, I told her I wanted her in my life. But in my heart, I let her go. For that moment, for the rest of my life, if that’s what she needed.

I want to fall in love, I want to have a soul mate, I want to share my life with my soul mate.

But whoever she is, she’s human too — and maybe she’s got fears holding her back, or she’s busy building her career, or who knows what. Maybe she’s just simply not ready to meet the last man she’ll ever date.

I can understand that. I can appreciate and respect that.

So, I made a decision, and I let her go.

When I returned to my friends, walking away from that rocky cliff side, I paused to turn around for one last look — and then kept walking. Both physically and metaphorically, I was leaving it behind me.

Maybe this Natasha girl was my soul mate, maybe she isn’t. I was leaving it behind. The significance of this place. The curiosity of the circumstances. Everything.

Even … my hopes and expectations for a soul mate, at all.

And this is the part I’m not sure about.

I think it was healthy and wise to let something uncontrollable, unknowable, like this be left behind. Letting go, detachment, it’s an art. And it releases both you and the other person.

But did I go too far? In the process of letting go of this one dream, did I let go of all dreams and hopes of a soul mate? Am I … settling?

lol. I’ve come to a point where I’m either growing up or growing old — and I’m not quite such which it is. Part of me thinks I’m growing up — letting go of childhood fantasies and unrealistic expectations. The other part of me feels I’m settling, that I’m giving up on the dreams I really want.

For example, there’s a couple girls in my life, right now, that I’m good friends with. They’re attractive, we get along great, and they have (or would) make great girlfriends. Potentially, we’d enjoy a long and happy, healthy, probably meaningful relationship.

But, neither of them are *quite* what I’m looking for. They have a lot of the qualities I seek, but not quite all. And they have a couple qualities that I’m just not crazy about it. Values or beliefs that may be in conflict with my own. Lifestyles or personal choices that I’m really not compatible with.

Am I being unrealistic, simply silly, hoping for and expecting exactly what I want in a soul mate relationship? Do I need to “get real” and realize that there’s no such thing as perfection in anything? Especially in any one?

But what about those rare couples I’ve met, that really believe they are soul mates, and found exactly what they were looking for in each other? Maybe no one’s perfect, but can’t two people be a perfect fit for each other?

This weekend I let go of an old dream of a possible soul mate. A girl I know nothing about, at all, but had some circumstantial clues to suggest she might be something more. I decided to put that behind me and move on — but in doing so, I think I went too far. I think I let go of that girl, of that memory — but I also let go of the girl, the one of my dreams.

Am I maturing and becoming more accepting of “the real world?” Or am I settling and giving up on who and what I really actually want — because deep down, I fear she may not exist or I may never find her?

I don’t know. And this is something I have to figure out for myself. All I know is, I left a part of me behind on the beach that day. Maybe it will open me up to enjoy more relationships, to finding love sooner. Maybe, instead, I’ll realize that it’s our dreams and heart’s desires that really make us who we are.

I mean, where did these specific desires come from, anyway? Cultural conditioning? Things my parents encouraged and approved of? Hormones? Something else?

Or is there a deeper answer to it? Are some of these desires a part of my heart, because my heart was designed to match and fit those desires, to embrace those desires, once they materialized?

Some people believe, and I agree, that God gives us our dreams — the things that inspire and fulfill us — because that’s the purpose and calling he has for our lives.

What kind of God would plan for you to be a rock star, but then design your heart to desire being a nuclear physicist?

No, it’s the other way around, I truly whole-heartedly believe. God calls us to be a rock star, or scientist, or great parent, or business owner, or whatever — and lays the desire for that specific dream on our hearts.

Sure, society and culture will “train” us to desire certain things. Big houses, nice cars, lots of money, and sexy thin bodies. (Because there’s money in all those things.) lol. But if we’re really honest with ourselves, we don’t all actually truly want all those things. Not deep down in our hearts, anyway. Some of us do — and for those people, go for it with all your heart! :) But for the rest of us — forget what society says is the ideal. Focus on what you feel is the ideal, for you and only you.

Not everybody wants to be a millionaire in their hearts. Some of us just want to be loved, taken care of and provided for, and spend time raising children, for example. Others might simply love to teach, or travel, or whatever. Do your heart’s desire. That’s what you were made for. I believe. :)

So, that being said … what my heart desires in a lover, in my dream soul mate … is that because that’s exactly who she is? Does my heart desire those characteristics, because that’s who she is, that’s who I was designed to be with? :)

Maybe. If I believe God crafts our hearts to respond to certain dreams, it makes reason to believe that God also crafts our hearts to respond to certain characteristics in a person.

Maybe I shouldn’t give up on my dream of my ideal life partner just yet. Maybe there’s a reason for these particular desires in my heart. Maybe, somewhere out there, is a girl who’s heart “happens” to desire a guy exactly like me. I exist. Maybe she does too. :)

Okay, I think I figured it out. Thanks for reading. ;)

heheh.

Peace and unconditional, inspirational, awe-powerful love. :)

-David Michaels

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