I have the feeling that no matter what I decide, it’s going to shape the rest of my life.

For those of you just tuning in, I’m at another cross-roads in my life. For several months now, I’ve been burning out on L.A., seeking to move somewhere else. The problem is, I’m not sure where. I’ve looked at San Diego, Portland-Oregon, and even Florida … and a few places in between.

The time for a decision has come.

I interviewed for a job in northern San Diego county (Escondido to be exact). They liked me. They’ve called me back for a second interview.

But something’s not right. Why am I really doing this?

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days. I’ve come up with some answers.

~ ~ ~

It breaks down to this:

1. Nothing’s been happening for me here in L.A. No big career breaks, no long-term romantic relationships, very very few close friends. I’ve pretty much just been surviving. And it’s taken its toll on me.

2. I’m lonely. I admit it. I’m very much a people person. I need lots of face to face contact, hugs, and spending time in person.

3. The traffic here has driven me nuts. No pun intended. lol. I don’t mean this metaphorically or as an expression — it mean it quite literally — I’m losing my mind sitting in traffic. I’m screaming at people, cursing, and constantly stressed out. I don’t like it. I don’t like seeing this side of me. Before and after work, I’m fine. I’m a peaceful, loving, patient guy. When on the road, I do my best to remain calm, relaxed, cool and collected. I let things go. I decide not to let them bother me… Take a breath. Relax. But within hours, I’ve lost it. I just can’t take it any more! Go home, you f@*%$!ers! Get off the *&^%$@! road!

Sorry. I’m back now.

4. Money. I’m not earning enough of it. I can pay my basic bills (rent, utilities, groceries), but not much else. So when my computer starts dying, or my GPS breaks down, or my car needs repairs (needs new tires soon), and things like that … I just get more stressed, because I don’t know where the money’s coming from.

5. I’ve lost my sense of direction. I know many of you see me as this positive, inspirational follow-your-dreams kind of guy — but the truth is, I’ve given up on my real dreams. I tried them and failed — too many times. I decided, unconsciously, that I just didn’t have what it takes. So I settled for smaller, easier dreams. But they didn’t inspire me. So I never really worked hard towards them. So I gave up on those. And for the past couple years, I’ve pretty much had no guiding, inspiring dream to work towards. Like I said, I’ve just been surviving.

That’s the honest truth.

~ ~ ~

I thought moving to someplace new might solve most or all of those problems … I’ll call them challenges.

But where? When? How?

I prayed for guidance.

First God asked me to be clear on what I really wanted. I didn’t know.

I said I felt I lost my sense of direction. I lost that intuitive guidance. I didn’t know where I was going or why, really, I wanted to go there.

Good. Now we’re making progress.

Step 1. Be honest with yourself.

Then God asked me some new questions. “Well, when was the last time you really felt connected, on track, and guided?”

I thought back. They were times when I believed in my dream (my real dream) and acted on it. They were times like when I was moving from Florida to California, excited about the possibilities and potentials.

“So you had a vision,” he said. “A purpose, a dream… something to look forward to and work towards.”

Yes.

“Do you have that now?”

No.

“Get a dream, find your vision. That’ll tell you where you should be.”

I see.

So here’s what I did. I stopped at Staples and bought some blank index cards. I needed to see “it” — my dream — laid out in front of me. I’m a visual guy. And it helps to write things down anyway. :)

On one card, I wrote one of my big dreams. One of my dreams that I’ve had all my life, that has inspired and guided me for many years. One of my dreams that I’ve since let go of and abandoned, for fear I didn’t have what it takes, but was still somewhere buried deep in my heart.

I tacked it up on the wall. Then I used other blank cards and wrote down different aspects and parts of that dream, of that vision.

Then I wrote another big dream, and all its individual key parts.

And another.

I lined them up on my wall, filling out an expanding vision of what my life could be about — what I wanted my life to be about, if I had the ability to make it real.

An image started to take shape.

And seeing it laid out in front of me like that … gosh, if I could just successfully do one of these big dreams, I could totally make a good living at it too! I could take care of my needs and be fulfilled doing what I loved, what I wanted to do, all at the same time.

But those were all big, long-term goals. What about right now?

I’m losing my mind. I’m lonely. I’m hurting financially.

I added one more card. I labeled it “Immediate Needs.“

There were only three.

1. Relationships

2. Higher Net Income

3. No More L.A. Traffic

It was all laid out in front of me. My short-term and long-term vision. The big dreams I wanted to accomplish, the kind of life I wanted to have (including a great soul mate, dream house, and personal fulfillment), and the immediate challenges that must be resolved … now.

So what did they tell me? Where did I need to be to do these dreams, to live this vision?

…

One big dream didn’t require I live anywhere in particular. As long as I had an internet connection … and maybe access to an airport nearby … I could fulfill that one, no problem.

Other, smaller (but still big and important to me) dreams weren’t specific. You could argue multiple possibilities.

Hmm. So far this isn’t answering my question about whether or not, or where, to move.

Then I came to my biggest, oldest, and perhaps largest dream. Tudec Entertainment. My own multi-media entertainment production company.

One of the reasons I came to Los Angeles in the first place.

The first part of it, again, didn’t require I live anyplace in particular, provided I had an internet connection. But maybe a third into the vision, into the master plan… I started needing to work with creative people (actors, artists, writers, producers, etc) in person. It couldn’t be done online.

Which made me start to think L.A. is where I should be.

Not because “that’s where the industry is” and therefore my company should be too, but because that’s where most of the talent is … where I can find the best of the best, to work with me and my company.

I remember a time back in Tampa, a friend and I tried shooting a short movie based on one of my scripts. We held auditions. There was one, maybe two semi-good people. A whole lot of others who, well, let’s just say shouldn’t give up their day jobs. :)

In fact, my friend and I decided to put the project on hold, until we moved to California, where we knew we’d find a much better cast and crew.

But I slipped up. Since moving here, I gave up on the Tudec Entertainment vision. I was too busy, and too drained, trying to make ends meet. I abandoned it.

And then wondered why “nothing was happening” or I felt so “directionless.”

Duh. *slaps forehead*

lol.

I didn’t come to L.A. to survive. I came to L.A. to thrive — to build a business, to build a dream.

But have I tried that? Nooo…

I can’t leave L.A. yet. I haven’t given it a fair chance to do what I originally came here to do! Now, I’m still afraid I’m not enough, that I won’t have what it takes … but I can’t leave until I give it my best.

Okay, okay… so maybe there is where I’m supposed to be all along.

But wait. What about the relationships, the higher income, the no more traffic thing?

Those are immediate needs that have to be taken care of … like, right now.

Hmm.

Well, let’s look at my vision wall again. If I started doing my dreams, would it solve any of these needs?

Well, I’d definitely be interacting with more people — fun, creative people — face to face, to do many of these projects. Out of that, I’m sure more friendships (and maybe even a girlfriend) would develop. Okay, okay. So that’s good.

But I can’t wait for the business to be profitable. And I can’t stand staying in traffic for a day job much…um, any…longer.

What if I found another job, that paid better, close to home? Preferably something I can walk to, but I’ll accept up to a 15 minute commute. That gives me about a 5-6 mile radius of job possibilities.

And wait… I applied to be a leasing consultant in Escondido. Don’t they have apartment communities up here too? Of course they do. (I’ve already applied to three “local” ones — within about a 15 minute drive.) And my new roommate has a friend who works at Outback Steakhouse, about 5 minutes away. She said she might be able to get me a referral or something if I wanted to pursue that. Hmm, okay, okay. There’s some possibilities here.

Which means, I could potentially make more money and get out of L.A. traffic with one simple change.

And, I could start doing my business, start living my actual dream (even before it’s profitable), and make new relationships and face to face connections there too!

Okay, okay.

I can see how this can work.

So is that it? Is that my answer?

L.A.’s not perfect. I want more green, more nature… I miss the rain. I want cleaner air.

Hmm… but maybe I can build up to that. Take vacations and out-of-town trips more often. (Ideally I want a job that actually gives vacation time, or at least pays well enough for me to take one now and then.) And as I build up my business and wealth, maybe then I can buy myself a nice little house up in the mountains … where the air is cleaner, where you can’t hear the freeways, where there’s lots of trees and nature (and fantastic views) all around.

Plus, thanks to many of your suggestions, I’m looking into become a professional / motivational speaker too … which would involve some traveling. That’s part of my other big dream, Spiritual Smarts (books, podcasts, videos, and live spiritually-fulfilling events).

To be honest, I’m not feeling 100% sure about all this.

I’m still scared, still doubtful, still uncertain… “Is this the right thing?” I keep asking myself.

But if I move to San Diego, or anywhere else… what am I going to be doing with my life there? I can do Spiritual Smarts from almost anywhere, but what about Tudec Entertainment? I’ll run into the same challenges there as I did in Tampa.

Will I just resign my life, give up before I’ve given my all, and just … I dunno, work a job and look forward to retirement?

Ick.

Double yuck.

I can’t just do Spiritual Smarts. I’m a spiritual guy and that’s a huge part of my life … but it’s not the only part. I’m also a very creative, inventive, and visionary entrepreneurial guy. I need both Spiritual Smarts and Tudec Entertainment to be totally fulfilled, to fully express myself and share all the gifts I have with the world.

Is this my future?

I still don’t know if I can do it.

But I think I’ll say this: I won’t give up until I’ve given it my all. If I try, if I really try and fail … okay. Then I will have a clear conscience and clean heart, and know, I just wasn’t enough.

Damn I’m scared.

But I can’t quit before I try. And I mean really try. Give it everything I’ve got. Because as long as there’s still a little left in me, I’ll never know if that little bit more was the “enough” I needed.

Wish me luck. I’m going to need it.

Better yet, work with me … because I can’t do this alone. (Big dreams are never one-man/woman shows.)

I’m still scared. But I remember this quote:

“Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the judgment
that something else is more important than fear.”

.

Thank you for being with me on my journey.

I guess this means I’m staying in L.A. … as crazy, crowded, and polluted as it is. I just wish I wasn’t so scared.

But an extraordinary life requires facing your deepest, darkest fears … growing and overcoming, moving beyond, and becoming a soul much greater than when you started.

That’s the quality of life I want.

So here I go … or “stay,” rather. :-p Staying, but beginning a grand new adventure.

Adventure. That’s a good way to look at it.

Your friend,
David Michaels

blog.spiritualsmarts.com

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