David’s Journal

I’m doing good, feeling better, still not entirely through the spiritual journey “dark night of the soul thing,” but the worst of it seems to definitely be over. Feeling closer to God. Feeling feelings again, too, which is good. :) hehe. I have hope. Things are getting better. Got a new car, financial situation is improving, learning about synchronicity, and I just want to say that I am overwhelmed by the love and generosity so many of you have outpoured in my difficult days.

Thank you for your love, your friendship, your support.

I love you.

Namaste, blessings,
your friend, David

P.S.: Oh, in all the internal (and external) destruction and apparent breakdown, I discovered a part of me, deep inside, that is indestructible. This has helped me to learn to better let go, live in the present, and stop living in fear so much. So that’s good. :) hehe. I’m also changing/transforming within. Old issues that used to bother me a lot don’t any more. I’m at peace with myself and my life more. Things will happen when they happen, how they happen, if they happen … and that’s okay with me. Things like becoming wealthy, having sex, improving my external living conditions, etc. I seem to be more centered now, strong now … because I found something deep inside that can’t be destroyed by all the things that can and sometimes do go wrong on the outside. I wouldn’t say I’m perfect, or enlightened, or have mastered life yet or anything like that … but I’m feeling better, and doing better, and have grown and acquired something through all this that I doubt I would’ve gained any other way. My journey and transformation is still in progress … it’s not over yet … but I think for the first time in a long time, I see early signs of dawn. The sun is coming.

The dark night, the cold winter … there is hope, because they cannot last forever.

:)

Love,
David

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Breaking down, tearing apart…

The walls, the shell … it breaks.

A crack starts, then another, and one more elsewhere nearby.

Something inside about to explode.

Pain.

Breaking down.

Opening up.

Shedding off.

Destruction.

Before rebirth.

(more…)

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It’s gonna take about $650 to fix my car.  I can max out a credit card to do it.  I need a reliable car to get to work.

I’m not happy here.  Work is boring and pointless.  I hardly get to see my friends.  And thanks to this dark night of the soul business, I have no bigger vision or dream to hold me through and make it all worthwhile.

My mom’s been trying to encourage me to move back to Florida.  I’m so tired of moving.  And will things really be any different or better there?  I’m also in a six-month lease here.  I suppose we could find a replacement roommate for me if needed, but… I’d hate to do that to my roommate.  She’s a good person.

I’ve been applying for better jobs out here.  Nothing’s come through yet.

I don’t know what to do.

David

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Apparently I’m going through some kind of “dark night of the soul,” as first described by St. John of the Cross, a 16th-century mystic priest.

It’s an unfortunate, very painful process in a spiritual journey.

According to Wikipedia, the all-knowing oracle of the world wide web, the dark night of the soul experience can be described as “letting go of one’s ego … thus making room for some form of transformation, perhaps in a person’s way of defining him or her self or his or her relationship to God. This interim period can be frightening, hence the perceived ‘darkness.’“

It goes on to add: “In the Christian tradition, one who has developed a strong prayer life and consistent devotion to God suddenly finds traditional prayer extremely difficult and unrewarding for an extended period of time during this ‘dark night.’ The individual may feel as though God has suddenly abandoned them or that his or her prayer life has collapsed.

Rather than resulting in devastation, however, the dark night is perceived by mystics and others to be a blessing in disguise, whereby the individual extends from a state of contemplative prayer to an inability to pray. It is this purgatory, a purgation of the soul, that brings purity and union with God. Such blessings cannot be perceived while the soul suffers this ‘night.’ Thus, the Dark Night of the Soul is experienced as a severe test of one’s faith that leads to deeper understanding and greater love.”

(more…)

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The battery was fine. All other things I could check were fine. I called my dad, the car expert. He was a mechanic while putting himself through college. He says, based on what I described the car (not) doing, that it’s likely an issue with the spark plugs or fuel system. Fun, fun.

Not to mention the “check engine” light came on a few weeks ago for another, unrelated issue.

(more…)

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Nothing more remains,
all is gone.
My hopes, my dreams, my passions, my desires–
extinguished like a flame snuffed out.

I hate you for it;
you’ve killed me.

I feel nothing, I have nothing, I am nothing…
yet something deep within still remains.

What is it, this thing inside
buried beneath the ash,
the fallen,
the ruins that remain?

A poem by David Michaels

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