David’s Journal

I want to feel alive again.

What happened to my life?

I used to be so driven, so focused, so motivated, so committed to reaching my dreams, whatever it took.

I used to believe in myself and the beauty and possibility of my dreams.

Not any more.

Not any more…

Somehow, in trying to survive, in the necessity of “paying the bills,” I lost my soul.

I lost my spark.

My passion, my dream, my belief, my drive…

Where did it go?

Why did it die?

I want to feel alive again.

I used to love writing. I still enjoy it, but it’s not the same. I’m not free any more. I have to filter what I say. Watch the exact words I use, because now that people read me, someone somewhere is going to misinterpret what I say and take personal offense. It’s happened several times already. People judge me for what I say. I judge me for what I say.

Why did I write a story about that? What I put my characters through seemed pretty twisted and demented. Am I really that way inside? Am I secretly perverted or twisted myself? What’s normal? Where do I belong? Why am I here? Why do I bother to write any more anyway? I used to write just for fun, just for me. But then after a couple years, it was no longer enough. I wanted an audience. I wanted to share it with someone. Writing for myself wasn’t enough any more.

But the moment I started sharing it with the outside world, my writing changed.

Suddenly I was writing for them, no longer me.

Was I writing something they’d enjoy, something they’d find interesting? If I added this scene, would they think I was really weird? Would people stop liking me if they knew how I really felt, or what I really knew or believed, about this one thing?

Spirituality was another big passion and interest of mine. Why do we believe what we believe? How do we know it’s true? Is there anything else — or anything more — out there?

I was a seeker. And seek I did.

I learned as much as I could from anybody who would share with me their beliefs, thoughts, and experiences.

In seeking the truth, I lost my religion. More questions erupted and overflowed, spewing out everywhere and covering the landscape of my mind and heart.

Is there a God? I think so. But this God is so elusive sometimes. There are moments I connect, moments I experience, moments I have intimacy and real experience of this God. And then it (or he or she, take your pick) seems to disappear entirely from the grasp of my reach and understanding. God escapes my understanding. God escapes my defining. God can’t seem to be predicted in any way.

A close friend wants me to put together some audio programs to sell on SpiritualSmarts.com, guiding and teaching and inspiring people on how to grow and develop in their own spiritual paths. How to know and experience God like I do.

But — I can’t. I’m not even sure I know the Real God yet — at least, not enough to teach others with any certainty.

I used to love starting and building a small business. Eh, maybe it was just the creative aspect of building a business that I enjoyed so much. I love working with people, coming up with new ideas, finding new solutions to age-old problems. But by now, I’ve tried and failed so many times — honestly, I just can’t put my heart out there any more.

I’ve been hurt too many times. Failed too many times. Struggled for too long. Pushed with everything I had to break through — and find that I don’t have what it takes.

What dream is left? What desire remains?

I live to simply exist.

I’m alone, living in a beautiful area, with friends and family spread all over the country and world.

I’m poor, earning LESS and LESS as my job slows down, paying MORE and MORE at the gas pump every day…

I’m hurt. I’m scared. I’m alone. And I have friends in far worse situations than I am. Friends that I wish I could be there for more, but I’m barely there for myself. I’m too busy trying to survive to offer any real blessing to anyone I truly care about.

POVERTY SUCKS!

And I mean financial poverty, emotional poverty, spiritual poverty — poverty of any kind.

What’s holy about that?

NOTHING!

I swear, if I ever find my way out of this, I will never let myself be poor again.

Never.

Breathe life into me again. I’m lost without direction, lost without purpose…
and broken without drive and ambition.

Lost without motivation. Lost without self-belief.

Lonely without self-acceptance.

I am lost. I don’t know the way out. But I will keep looking.

For as long as there is life left within me, I will keep searching for freedom, for release, for joy, for life…

I’m just so tired.

.

David

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