David’s Journal

I’m afraid.

Life has become stale.  Boring.  Life-less.  It just is.

I’m just existing.  I’m just getting by.

My dreams?  Hah.  Let’s get real.  I was a naive little overly-optimistic, overly-simple fool to think I could achieve those dreams.  Ouch.  That’s a fun thing to say about yourself.

Is it true?

It sure feels it.  Some 5-6 years ago, I believed I could do anything.  Build a working time machine?  No problem, it’s in the works.  Create a billion dollar entertainment production company, providing quality, fun, and meaningful jobs to 70,000 people?  I’ve got it all planned out.  Meet my soul mate, get married, have an incredible relationship that inspires others?  Definitely.  Definitely gonna have that.

Right.

Let’s see.  The entertainment company idea went bust several times — I can only handle so many failures.  The soul mate?  Yeah… here I am, 28 years old, and I’ve been single for the last year and a half.  Half my friends are already married.  Some of them even have kids!  It’s crazy!  The other half … with one or two exceptions, they’re in (or just getting out of) long-term relationships.

I feel like I’m getting left behind.

And the time machine… the time machine…  If I understood why I wanted to be a time traveler so bad, ever since age 7, then maybe I could tell you why it bothers me that I don’t see this dream happening for me either.

I feel stuck.  Life-less.  Uninspired, bored with life.

Could it be because I gave up on my dreams?  Foregone my passions?  Abandoned my soul?

The soul is impractical.  And incompatible with the modern material world, too, it seems.

Grr.

But I can’t deny my soul.

Not for long.

Not without paying a much, much higher price.

But I can’t embrace my soul and pursue its dreams and visions, either.

It’s not realistic.

Not practical.

Maybe even not possible.

So where am I?

I’m left somewhere in between.  No Man’s Land.

Boredom.

Lifelessness.

Not dead, not alive.  Just … surviving.

No, I don’t want to call it that.

Just … existing.  A lukewarm existence at that.

But I can’t… I can’t… I can’t!  I can’t do those things.  I can’t be those things.

They’re foolish childhood dreams.

Fantasies.

Nothing more.

Life is hard.

I don’t want it to be hard.

Maybe it’s hard because I’m going against my nature, going against my soul.

Maybe… maybe… maybe I fear that letting go and following my heart will lead to destruction and pain.  But maybe… maybe it leads to the path of joy, fulfillment, life, inspiration, hope…

I dunno.

I used to believe anything was possible.  Then I tried doing some “impossible” things — things related to following my dreams — and found out, sometimes very painfully, that maybe not all things are possible.  Maybe some things, some dreams, really are impossible.

Or maybe, more painful still… they are possible, but not for me.

Ouch.

Can anyone relate to this?  Does anyone else, secretly, honestly, maybe feel this way sometimes too?

Deep down, right now, I just want to connect.

Heart to heart.

With another human being.

But we all have so many goddamn walls up.  Myself included.

Too afraid to let anyone get a little too close…

Because we’ve all been hurt before.

All tried for a dream but failed.

All fell in love and then ended up with a broken heart.

Cheated.  Betrayed.  Lied to.  Taken advantage of.  Neglected.  Abandoned.  Dumped, trashed, left aside for someone else, someone maybe better.  Used, abused, played, maybe even told we were worthless by the one we loved the most.

It happens.

Life is full of this shit.

And I feel it.

In me, with what I’ve been through.  But also in you, my friends, my family…  people I love.  I can feel it in you, too.  We’re all connected.  You know that.  On a spiritual level, whether we’re conscious of it or not, we pick up on and feel what others are going through too.

I just want to connect.

And I want to heal.

I want to heal my heart.  I want to heal yours.

If you let me.

If you let me in.

Thing is, *laughs to self*, I don’t really know how to do that either.  lol.  Just another dream, another fantasy…  Why?  Why not?

I want to connect with people, heart to heart, soul to soul… share who we really are, what we really think, what we honestly feel…  open up, let the true voice of our souls be heard…  and create an environment for hope, healing, and new opportunity and realistic optimism.

But how do I do that?

How?

All I know how to do is open up and share my own heart… and hope that maybe it’ll give you something to connect with… and that’s a start.

That’s the only place I know to start.

I love you,
David Michaels

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