David’s Journal

This is a difficult blog to write.

Please don’t judge me.

I… um… this is going to sound so silly. It’s stupid. But I have to admit it. For myself.

I am a perfectionist.

Not in life, not with others… just myself.

This is so hard.

I believe, I mean, deep down, I believe… that I’m a bad person if I’m not perfect.

Like, I’m not “allowed” to want dark things, or have sexual desires, or want good materialistic things, or to want to live a life different than how I was raised to believe and live.

It’s like, I… I… *sigh* It’s like if I’m not perfectly pure, or as close to it as humanly possible, or if I’m not always unconditionally loving or trying to, like if I ever judge or criticize others, or want to have sex with someone, or if I’m not the perfect reliable employee, always shows up on time, never calls out unless he’s actually sick… If I’m not an instant or near-instant success in business, or… The fact that I didn’t finish college, that I have failed in business, that I have ruined credit and have old debts I haven’t paid, or that I’m quitting my job when my employer asked me to “hang in there” and stay, or if I ever have a less-than-perfect, unsmooth, unloving conversation or argument with someone… If I write long, fragmented, run-on sentences like this one.

I mean paragraph. Technically that’s a long, fragmented, run-on paragraph.

See?

WTF?

No, wait, I mean, WHAT THE FUCK?

hehe.

I’m not even supposed to curse.

Fuck.

There. I said it again. FUCK. :-p

Damn you. Go to hell. Up yours, asshole!

You know how many times I’ve wanted to say that to someone, but didn’t, because it’s not “the loving thing to do”?

FUCK YOU!

It’s NOT the loving thing to do — to hold it inside, I mean. I’m not saying we should cuss at people who irritate us. But repressing it and pretending you don’t actually feel that way can’t be healthy either!

God dammit.

You know that used to be one of the worse curse words I could say? “God dammit.” Why? I’m not sure. It had something to do with God sending whoever/whatever you were damning to hell, and only God could decide that, or something. I dunno. Fuck it. I don’t care.

I’m so messed up in the head.

I’m deeply programmed to fear and avoid sex at ALL costs … and at the same time, my very DNA has hard-wired me to want to go get sex … AT ALL COSTS. :)

lol.

WTF is wrong with religion, anyway?

What’s their goddamn problem with sex, anyhow?

Why do THEY care where my penis goes? Why do THEY care who (whom?) I have sex with, when we have sex, where we have sex, WHY we have sex, and if (and what) protection we do or don’t use?

GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR BEDROOMS, YOU GODDAMN RELIGIOUS BANE OF HUMANITY!

There are times I want to have sex just to have sex. Is that so goddamn wrong? I mean, really?

Come on.

Or “cum” on… if your mind’s a little dirty.

lol.

Most of the time, yes, I want to have sex as an experience of making love, sharing two hearts and two bodies as one with someone really special, meaningful, connected, and important to me. Blah, blah, blah.

But I’m “afraid” of sex?

Why?

Because I went through 20+ years of hearing from my parents, teachers, priests, and several of my peers all telling me the horrors and evils and tragedies and unending guilt and regret from having sex.

Sex was only “safe” and “good” and “holy” and “accepted/approved by God” if and strictly only when the couple was married (in the church) and only to each other, only to make love, maybe for pleasure (sometimes, I guess), but mostly for starting families.

That’s sick.

What perverted, twisted, demented evil cult did I grow up in?

Gosh I hope my parents don’t read this blog. lol. They still strongly believe in this shit.

I hope they don’t read that either. I can see my dad now, getting all upset that I called those values “shit.”

Well, that’s what I think they are: shit.

Training people to feel guilty for wanting and/or having sex before they’re married is SICK and WRONG.

Instead, tell them to control themselves, be more selective, wait for a certain kind of relationship, be educated, use protection, SOMETHING!

Tell them exactly what the BIBLE says about sex before marriage… It’s “better” to wait. Not a goddamn sin or horrible guilt-ridden act. Just better to not rush into. See 1 Corinthians 7. Paul says not once but TWICE that on this topic, he speaks not on God’s behalf but his own. He also believes it’s better not to marry at all, but if you really want to, that’s okay too.

Stupid Paul. You know he never even met Jesus? He showed up after the fact. He just had a religious experience — saw a vision — and converted to this new growing cult and became a major proponent of it.

Anyway, I digress.

I feel so angry.

Angry that I grew up believing in a lie, basing major life decisions on that lie, and being programmed, deeply conditioned, to be afraid of very natural and healthy things — like sex.

This is stupid.

Why am I even saying all this? I guess I need to get it out.

Writing can be very therapeutic. :)

It’s not just sex either.

I’ve been CONDITIONED to think that wealth is bad too. That somehow having a lot of money is evil, and/or makes it nearly impossible to get into heaven (remember the parable about a camel fitting through the eye of a needle?). Fuck it. Fuck THAT. Grrr. How is having a lot of money bad and having little to no money good?

Fuck this.

I grew up watching my dad struggle at a job that paid just enough, go through major downsizing (14,000 to 2,000 employees), work all sorts of long hours, weekends, standby, etc … and most of the time, he didn’t even like his job. Some of the time, he downright hated it. As I grew up, I watched that job slowly suck the life out of my dad’s soul. I watched a man inside die, the ultimate sacrifice, just to support his family.

This is so messed up.

I was only allowed to hang out with certain fellow-believing friends. The others had demons around them, I was taught. Didn’t want to unnecessarily expose myself to that. The devil was constantly trying to tempt me and lead me away from God as it was! Everything was a test. A world saturated with temptations to do evil. A long battle between good and evil — all for the fate of my soul!

We weren’t allowed to watch Friends, because there was too much sex in it. We weren’t allowed to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer because it was too “demonic” or “occultic.” Heck, I don’t mind. Sure, it made me feel like even more of an outcast growing up, made it even harder to fit in… but now, I can watch all the episodes for the first time on DVD, no commercials, and I don’t have to wait until next week or next season to see what happens next! :) See, so there’s some good here. :)

The outcast thing… yeah. I was supposed to feel that way. That whole “in the world but not of it” bit. You know what I’m talking about. I was a “good” person. I read my Bible, prayed to God daily, avoided sex, didn’t drink, didn’t listen to “worldly” music… I was a good and holy kid. Set apart. Pure in heart. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

Pure in heart?

I’m angry.

Right now there’s a lot of anger in my heart. Maybe some unforgiveness too. Some guilt, disgust, fear, hatred, more anger, worry, doubt, distrust, loss of faith… Lately a lot of unholy, impure ugly gunk has been coming out of my heart.

Why? Why now?

I dunno.

*shrugs*

All I know is I don’t feel very pure, very holy, very peaceful, very loving right now.

I feel disconnected from myself — because I’m not allowed to be myself.

I’m not “supposed” to want the things I want. I’m not “supposed” to be the way I want to be, to live my life how I might want to live…

Fuck you.

Not you, not the reader… lol. You’re okay. :)

I like you.

I’m saying “fuck you” to the old voices, those damn repeating messages and conditioning burned into my subconscious.

Fuck YOU, evil voices.

YOU’RE the EVIL one — not ME!

You teach me to judge and hate, to separate and divide, to deny and repress… YOU are in the WRONG, my friend, NOT ME!

Phooey on you. *tthhbbb!* (That’s me sticking out my tongue at it, just fyi.) lol.

I REJECT your so-called “God” who sends billions of non-believers and other-believers to hell, just because they didn’t say the right prayer, find and/or accept Jesus, get baptized, receive communion, get their sins forgiven, or whatever.

And original sin… GIVE ME A BREAK!

I’m born and I already have a sin on my soul!?!

FUCK you. F. U. C. K. U.

Jerk.

I cannot worship a deity who sends people of other religions to hell just because they’re in a different religion.

That’s so messed up.

You know what I think that is? You know what that sounds like to me? MANIPULATION and FEAR TACTIC to recruit MORE MEMBERS!!!

Think about it.

“Join us, do as we say, and you’ll enjoy paradise forever, automatically. Don’t join us, don’t do as we say, and you’ll SUFFER FOREVER!”

Um… yeah. You’re messed up.

I don’t need saving — YOU do.

You’re SO LOST you don’t even realize it!

[shifting thoughts...] I don’t want to be perfect any more.

I’m tired of denying myself. Tired of limiting myself. Tired of trying to be somebody I’m not — to fulfill some impossible standard of how we’re ALL supposed to be!

???

If we’re all meant to be the same, then why do we all start out different?

Could one path be right for you, but not for me? Could my path be right for me, but maybe not you or someone else?

Duh. Of course!

Not everyone is meant to be a scientist, or engineer, or computer programmer, or artist, or teacher… STOP TRYING TO FORCE EVERYONE TO BE LIKE YOU!!! I mean, are you THAT insecure about your beliefs that you need as many people as possible to agree with you, to make you feel more sure about it?

No, no, no… Of course not. That’s not it. You care. You just don’t want to see their souls tortured in hell.

Right.

Tell you what — when you’re FULL of LOVE — REAL, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE — then talk to me about what you know and what you believe.

Here’s one thing I have learned about real love: It does not force its own way. It accepts people — it ACCEPTS people — for who they are, where they’re at.

It will help them grow, if they’re willing, if they’re interested.

But it does not judge them. It CERTAINLY does not condemn them.

It waits. It invites. It hopes. It sees the best in you.

Perfect and otherwise.

Perfect… what the hell is “perfect” anyway?

Maybe we ARE perfect to start… and things like religion and politics screw it up, teaching us and training us to BE something else, someone other than who we naturally, truly are!

Maybe I can be perfect — being perfectly me.

That’s not an excuse to stop growing, or do whatever the hell I want without care or concern for others. Geez, we live in a (so-called) civilized society. I’m not promoting chaos here.

But maybe instead of trying to be someone I’m not,
maybe, instead, I should allow, let go, release, and show the real inner me.

Unfiltered, unrejected, undenied.

Unrepressed.

The truth.

Who I really am. How I really feel.

Denying the truth about me is no path to holiness. It’s the path to hell.

I speak because I went down that path, I saw it for what it was, and now I’m turning myself around.

I think there really is a good God out there — something that actually is unconditionally loving.

It’s been speaking to me, in my head and in my heart, ever since I was a kid.

Recently, this ever-loving voice has been talking to me about self-acceptance. It pointed out, in a very non-judgmental and gentle way, how I expect myself to be perfect in so many ways. It’s encouraged me to allow myself to “mess up” now and then. To realize that I am human, it’s okay, love and accept myself anyway.

I have so little love in my heart right now.

I barely love myself. I only accept myself in part.

If I really did love myself, I wouldn’t need to be perfect. I could just be me and decide — desire — to continually grow and get better and better as I go — or not, and that’s okay too. Unconditional love means, well, without condition. No requirements in order to receive the love. It’s best that I grow and improve, but even if I don’t — even if I don’t even desire to — I still get love.

What a concept.

You see, when you expect yourself to be perfect, you start to need perfection in other areas too. Maybe not at first, but without realizing it, it starts to show up elsewhere. Relationships, jobs, projects you start, dreams you go after… Your communication, your day to day activities, even the way you think and feel.

I’m not going to find the “perfect” girl, or have the “perfect” relationship — no matter how long I wait or how hard I try. Can I have an outstanding, amazing, awesome, excellent, beautiful, powerful, deeply loving, rewarding, enriching, meaningful relationship? Heck yes!

Will I have a relationship where there’s never any fights, or disagreements, or farts under the blankets, or misunderstandings, or mis-matched timing of when we’re both “in the mood”…? I dunno. I don’t think so.

I mean, I’ve had relationships where we never fought. I’ve had some very smooth, successful, beautiful, easy relationships where we both got along great! But come on, we’re both human. Once in a while, one person might misunderstand what the other is saying, or worse, one person might “slip” and say or do something mean or hurtful.

No one wants to.

Well, I never want to.

But it happens.

Because we’re human.

I don’t know if anyone ever directly said it or not, but growing up, I was taught not to be human, and reject everything that is inherently and naturally human.

What is so evil and so wrong about being physical, about being human, about desiring and experiencing physical and human things??

…

I don’t know who’s still reading this. I just write, and write, and write, and…

Wait.  Stop.

I’m expecting myself to be “perfect” again. lol. AHHHH!!!!!

I’m all worried about how long this is, and if people will read the whole thing, or whatever.

Baloney.

This is therapy and healing for me. Who cares if anyone else reads it?

Well, I care. I like connecting with people.

Anyway.

If you agree, say “hoorah!” or something in the comments. lol. If you disagree, that’s cool too. Whatever. Be you, that’s cool, and I’ll be me. Which is also cool.

Maybe trying to be perfect is so hard because it’s going against our natural design. Maybe we’re already designed to be perfect, but we’ve been trained not to see it. Or haven’t been taught how to see it. I dunno. One of the two.

But what an idea. What if you were all right, already?

Some people are jerks and assholes. I’m not saying it’s okay that they’re that way.

I’d argue that they’re not being their true selves either. My guess, they were taught not to love or accept themselves unconditionally either, and that mutated them somehow, and some total jerk and asshole came out instead.

Maybe you and I aren’t “quite right” right now either. We’ve been pushed away from our center, from our truth, from our natural way of being for so long too. Maybe we all need to go back to our center, our core, our deepest and innermost heart of hearts and soul of souls.

Past the human conditioning. Past the fear and doubt. Past the hurt and anger and confusion… And into the place of unconditional love and self-acceptance. The place of innocence. Like how we were as children, before we were taught to discriminate and judge based on race, religion, gender, social or political or economic status, etc. Little kids don’t care about any of that shit. We just want to play. We just want to have fun.

But we’re adults now. We’re smart, intelligent, educated, mature, experienced, wise…

Let’s merge that maturity, wisdom, and experience with the youthful innocence of an untainted child.

Let’s combine maturity and intelligence with unconditional love.

I guess you could say, deep down, I believe we’re all inherently good. Somewhere along the way, we’ve just learned to hate and fear and judge and feel worthless and unloving about ourselves, and therefore, feel that way about others too.

…

Thus Spake I,
David Michaels

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