David’s Journal

Money.

What a bitch.

I’ve been racking my brain, searching for answers, testing different solutions … and nothing.  Again and again, I find myself “stuck” in the same goddamn predicament and financial lack.  God dammit.  Fuck.

I’ve run out of options.  Run out of juice.  God, why won’t you help me?!?!

I’ve asked for help … why do I keep struggling?

I want financial freedom.  I want financial abundance.  And I want it - today -.

But God’s not helping me.  I haven’t manifested a better job, or a winning lottery ticket, or a profitable business, or anything … yet.

I have a lesson to learn first.

And it’s a hard one for me.

Hence, why I seem to be stuck.  Why nothing’s changing.  I haven’t learned the real purpose, the lesson, behind it all.

I’m afraid of not having enough.  I’m afraid of running out of money, ending up on the streets, and dying a slow, lonely, starving death.  Or worse.  I’m also afraid of being trapped in a job I absolutely hate, just to make ends meet… to exist, but never really live.  I’m afraid of ending up and being stuck where I don’t want to be.  I’m afraid of lack, limitation, of not having enough to survive.  I’m afraid of living exactly how I am now.

Shorthand: I’m afraid.  Of not having enough money.

The solution?  Get rich, of course!

Having lots of money solves the problem of not having enough money … right?

I’ve read in business books and personal development courses, that people who get rich because they’re afraid of not having enough … only find themselves more afraid of losing their money once they have it.  Becoming wealthy motivated or driven by fear actually, apparently, puts the person in a worse position than before.  They can’t enjoy having the money, because they’re even more afraid of losing it now.

But no, not me.  I’d be different.  I’d invest.  I’d start a business with it.  Etc, etc.

Except… what would I invest in?  All investments include the risk of losing what you invested.  And businesses fail.  They can lose everything too.  There’s no guarantee.  None.

NONE.

I still believed I’d be different.

Until this morning.

In my morning prayer time with God, God asked me to visualize — pretend — that I had a few million dollars in the bank, right now.  It was hard to do at first.  I’m so used to being so broke.  I kept at it, until it started to sink in.

Pretend I was a millionaire.  $3,000,000 in the bank, in cash, right now.

Suddenly… it hit me.  MORE fear.

What was I going to do?  How was I going to invest and protect my money?  How would I make sure never to lose it???

The prophecy was true.  Maybe I’m not immune.  Maybe I’m not all that different.  Just pretending to have millions in the bank already inspired more fear about losing it.  Because I had more to lose!

They say that money acts like a magnifying glass on our lives.  Whatever and whoever we are on the inside, having lots of money just amplifies and brings out more of it.

If you’re basically a nice and somewhat generous person normally… great wealth will make you a really nice, genuine, and highly generous person. If you’re a bit of a jerk and asshole to others now… add great wealth, and you’re a total jerk and complete asshole.

Have a little (or in my case, a lot) of fear about losing money now … when you barely have any … add a lot of wealth and suddenly I’m really, really afraid of losing it all.

God does not want me to be afraid.  There is no fear in love.  God wants me to be free.  I want to be free.  Fear locks us up in our own invisible prison.  If I am to be free, and if I am to be filled with love… I must conquer and overcome my fear.

*sighs*

Easier said than done.

Fortunately, God had something to offer:

.

.

Get control.

At first he tried telling me just to Trust him, live in the present, yadda, yadda.  If you can do that, great.  For me, that didn’t work.  I couldn’t do it or it wasn’t enough.

So God suggested an alternative route.

Get control.

I’m fearful because I’ve let myself feel powerless, out of control, and victimized for far too long.

So, first step, get control.  Of something, somewhere, in some small area of life.

Anything that makes me feel like I have some degree of certainty and control in my life.

It could be writing a story.  After all, I’m in “control” of my characters and the events that happen.  That’s a feeling of control.  It could be exercising.  I can control my time, and through controlled effort, shape and improve my body.  It could be through playing video games.  Video games aren’t just for entertainment or escape … they can give you a feel of control in the game.  It can be lots of things.

So the first step is to start to feel and find that small sense of power within.  Remember what it feels like to have a little confidence, a little control, a little certainty in life.  That’s the seed.

And from that seed will grow confidence and self-empowerment.  A strength within.  And from that, I can face my fear, master it, and tell that it it no longer has any control over my life.

Control over my emotions.  Control over my thoughts.  Control over my focus.

Starts by feeling in control of something, something small, that’s easier to control.

Building blocks.

Steps.

To empowerment.  To conquering fear.  To FREEDOM.

I don’t want to be afraid any more.

And regardless if I have 2 cents in the bank or $20 million, I need to feel safe.  I need to feel trust.  I need to feel peace.

Not fear.

Peace.  Love.  Hope.  Confidence.  Freedom.

Fear, your days are numbered.  FUCK YOU for controlling ME all this time!!

!!!

Going forward,
namaste,
David Michaels

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