Sometimes I feel like such an alien in this world.

No matter how hard I try, no matter what I do … I never feel like I quite fit in. I mean, I have many friends and they’ve always made me feel welcome. They’ve always shown their love, support, caring, friendship… But, where do I belong?

All my life, I’ve never quite felt like I was “one of” anything or anyone. Not in my religion, or in school, or at work, or even among friends. It’s not their fault. Like I said, they’ve always invited and welcomed me in. And to a point, I do feel like I belong. To a point, I do fit in. But only to a point.

When I was a teenager, I was told that “everybody feels like they’re different,” and that nobody feels like they quite fit in.

Yes. And often I wonder if that’s all this is.

But… at the same time, something deeper tells me it’s not.

Everybody’s different. Everybody’s unique.

That’s part of what makes us special.

But, honestly, I feel unique among the crowd of unique.

For example:

• I don’t drink, nor do I have any real desire or need to.
• I’ve never done drugs. Ever. Not even pot.
• I move around a lot. I’ve changed addresses 17 times in the last 10 years. I think. Wait, maybe I missed one…
• I don’t understand why we go to war. The people over there are just like us. They are us. They were just born on different soil, into a different culture, raised with perhaps different beliefs. But they’re still just like us. Why would we attack ourselves?
• I keep to my word, even when it’s inconvenient or unprofitable. When I offered to sell my old car, I promised the first callers the first chance to see and buy it. Later callers offered me MORE money than I was asking, sight unseen, if they could have it now. But no. I already promised the others a chance to buy it first. The later callers didn’t understand why I would turn down more money.
• I don’t want a high-paying job. I want high-fulfilling work. Most people I know pick jobs because they pay better — and really genuinely don’t seem to care if they actually like the job more or not. But for me, I’ll take a lower paying job if it’s emotionally more rewarding. After all, I’m there 8+ hours a day, 40+ hours a week. Shouldn’t we enjoy our work? Is the extra few dollars an hour really worth spending all day, all week, doing something really boring, unfulfilling, and/or unpleasant? Ideally we want both — a job that pays a lot and is very emotionally fulfilling and rewarding too — but how often do we find that? I have yet to. If I did, I’d still be working there.
• I’m really not motivated by nicer cars, nicer houses, nicer stuff. Sure, some of it I’d like to have… but it doesn’t drive me, it doesn’t motivate me. I don’t work for stuff.
• I constantly seek purpose and meaning for my life. Most people tell me not to worry. They recommend I just be content working hard and earning a living, and trust/hope that one day my purpose will be revealed or fulfilled.
• I’m really not sure if I ever want kids. Maybe. I’m open to it. But at this time, I have absolutely no desire to start or raise a family. Most people I know either already have kids, or really really want them. Many of my friends have told me they couldn’t imagine themselves not ever having kids. Raising a family was always in their picture of the future. But not mine. My future has room for kids, but I don’t normally picture them there otherwise.
• I don’t fit into any religious category. It’s rare that I find anyone who shares my spiritual beliefs and experiences. They’re out there, but they’re few and far between. A friend in Wyoming, another in Minnesota, one or two in Florida. Los Angeles. And even then, we don’t have exactly the same beliefs. Sometimes, not even close. But we’re close enough to understand and relate to each other on that level, without having to filter or translate everything we say.
• Ever since I was about 7 or 8 years old, it’s been my life-long dream to make time travel possible. Why?
• I don’t like violent or gory movies — but when I worked at a movie theater, those were clearly the films that sold the most tickets, by far. And I don’t understand why it’s “okay” to see people getting murdered left and right, over and over again, throughout a movie … but it’s not “okay” to see sex or nudity. Huh? One destroys life and the other embraces it. Why are we so embarrassed about our own bodies and sexual feelings, anyway?
• I try to eat healthy. Even when I explain what red meat, coffee, soda, processed sugars, and 99% of the typical American diet does to the body — even with all the scientific research and study behind it — people still don’t care they they’re slowly destroying our bodies. It’s too convenient…or maybe we’re too dependent…on using the coffee to wake up in the morning, rather than look at the long-term effects it has on our health. Meat tastes too good, I’m told, so we’d rather enjoy what’s familiar than consider what it does to our system. You know what? Meat does taste good. And I do eat some meat (chicken or fish) once in a while. But I also eat a lot more fresh fruits and vegetables to help my body cleanse and heal itself too. And I eat a lot less of the junk food I used to consume, now that I know what it does to my body.
• Somebody’s going to read all this and think I’m sounding “better than thou” or something. Maybe I am. I dunno. I don’t mean to. I’m just listing how I don’t think, act, feel, or make decisions like most people around me, in a lot of areas.
• This list is just a small sample…

I don’t care. What’s the difference?

Pointing out how I’m different isn’t going to make me feel more like the others. It’s not going to connect me to someone or something. It’s not going to make me feel like I belong, like I’m Home…

Home.

Not that long ago, a friend told me that I needed to embrace being human more.

She doesn’t understand what I left behind.

When I came here.

From wherever I came from.

I don’t know.

I want to belong. I want to fit in.

Is it possible? Are there more out there like me?

One of my friends recently met a girl whom she believes is just like me on the deeper soul level.

That we both come from the same place in “Home.”

Maybe she’s right.

Maybe there are others out there.

I have one or two other friends I suspect might be too.

But how much of this is just fantasy? Just human psychological emotional need?

Am I really all that different? Do I come from… nevermind.

Forget it.

I’m just rambling.

This blog makes no sense.

I feel like I make no sense. Meaning, my life makes no sense.

Why am I here? I’m capable of so much — yet, every attempt at becoming more fails — and day after day, I find myself barely getting by. Working for a living at a job that I don’t see how it fits in to the Bigger Picture.

I have so many dreams.

So many big and beautiful dreams.

Dreams that would benefit the world. Touch and bless lives. Really make a positive difference, on many levels, in many areas.

Yet time and time again, I feel powerless to manifest those dreams. Stuck, blocked, stopped…

Maybe it’s just not time yet.

But if so, when? When is the time? Why wait when the world’s hurting now?

I can do so much good.

So much more good than the few people’s lives I touch through writing these blogs and doing my podcasts.

I’m glad to touch your lives — to those of you who I do.

I’m glad to be a positive difference for you.

I really am.

I want more. I want to reach more. I want to be able and be free to do more!

Please.

Maybe this is all just practice. Start small. Learn and develop my skills. Build key friendships that we’ll support each other and reach high and amazing dreams one day to come. Maybe it’s safe to stay small, to stay limited right now — so if I mess up, as I grow and learn, the damage is limited. :)

I’m just being honest here.

I’m not perfect.

I feel alone on this planet, even though I have many AMAZING friends who do everything in their power to make me feel loved and wanted. Maybe it’s me. Maybe something’s messed up in my head and I’ll always feel alone, always feel separate and different, no matter what I do or who I’m with.

Maybe.

Something in my soul says I don’t belong here. Something inside says I’m here for now, here for a reason, here on purpose … but ultimately, this is not my home. I’m only here for a time. For that purpose. And when it’s done, I get to go home again.

Wherever and whatever “home” is.

I’m in no rush to go.

I like being here.

Earth really is a beautiful place.

I love the mountains, and all of nature, and the animals and the people here. I really do love you guys. And my friends, and those I connect with here and there — I really enjoy being with you. You guys make it worth being here. You make it better being here.

I don’t feel so lonely when we’re together.

You give me reason.

When we connect, I feel a remembrance of home.

The love we share…as we open our hearts and share and connect to one another… that, my friends, is a tiny taste of home.

That love. That peace. That joy.

That hope, that freedom, that growth, that life!

That’s a taste of heaven.

Grow more in love with yourselves and each other.

Not love to gain or to get — but love to connect, to share, to grow, to give.

Real love.

Unconditional love.

For yourself and others.

Love is the answer.

Love one another.

As God has loved us.

And if you feel God hasn’t loved you that well — then love better than God.

“God” is a concept invented by man.

We don’t understand what God is. Not truly. Not completely.

As closely as we can, we can understand God as light. God is warm, God is present, God gives and supports life. God is everywhere. God is source. We can also understand God as love — unconditional love. Love for the sake of loving. Love seeking the best interest of the other. Love not for personal gain or need, but love out of desire to help another grow, expand, be happy, be fulfilled, be truly alive.

Does this make sense?

God is not a person. People make mistakes, people have limits. God just is.

And even that is an incomplete, desperate attempt at defining something that, by definition, can’t be easily defined.

Yet it can be known. God can be experienced.

And we experience a bit of God when we love ourselves and when we love each other.

That’s a small taste of home.

And I miss it.

And I invite you all to join me there when I return. :)

Because love always has room for more. Many, many more. :)

God’s arms are open wide. Are you ready to return home too?

If not, that’s okay.

There’s no judgment, no criticism, no “you should” or “you need to…” Just be. Be yourself. Do what you need to do. Be who you need to be.

If and when you’re ready to come home, if and when you’re ready to experience that divine, unending, everlasting, total unconditional love — it’s ready, it’s waiting … for you.

*hugs*

I love you.

Stop fighting. Stop hating.

It really doesn’t look good on you. ;)

Love more.

It feels better anyway. :)

Feel good.

You deserve to feel better, to find love, to have happiness.

Love, real love, is the answer.

I know this sounds weak, or airy-fairy, or too simple, or whatever. I know how this all sounds.

But it is my truth, as best I know it, right here and now.

I have spoken my truth. Take it or leave it.

Your truth is your own.

But maybe we can share this truth. Grow in love. For each other. For ourselves. For life itself.

Maybe there is a better way. And maybe this is the way to start.

Maybe.

Think for yourself.

These are just my thoughts, my heart, put out on the line for all to see and judge.

Please don’t judge me. It hurts and I don’t like it. But this is what I had to say.

…

I’m sorry if and when I’ve ever judged any of you.

I don’t mean to.

But some days, when I’m stressed or hurt or lonely or confused… I might.

And if so, I apologize.

It’s not my true nature.

Nor is it yours.

Your natural, true nature is to love. That’s what it means when it’s said “we were made in God’s image.” God is love. So are we. At the deepest level.

That’s my reminder for today.

I love you. God bless you.

Thank you for being my friend.

Namaste, we are all one,
really,
David Michaels

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