David’s Journal

I had a great day today.  My parents own a boat and today my mom and I went out on the waters into Tampa Bay.  It was a great experience (I had never been on a boat before) and I even got to drive the thing for a little bit.  It was a lot of fun.

Afterwards (and a little sunburn later), my parents and I went to a Life Teen Mass at a Catholic church I used to go to years ago.  “Life Teen” is like a regular Mass, except geared for teens, so the music is more lively and whenever possible, the homily is geared towards something relevant and meaningful to young adults and teens.

At church, I noticed one girl.  She was several aisles over, but she caught my attention.  More specifically, her soul caught my attention.  She glowed.  Really bright.

She looked kinda young.  I didn’t know who she was or why this one girl in particular was standing out (spiritually speaking) and caught my attention.  Several times through the Mass, I’d glance over her way and see her again.  Spiritually-speaking, there was definitely a strong and bright light inside her.  It wasn’t my imagination.

At the end of the Mass, she actually got up and made a couple announcements.  Turns out she’s part of the Life Teen Core Team — a group of young adults who run the after-church events and programs for the teens.  And then, I find out, my dad knows exactly who she is.  My sister was part of the Core Team in recent years, and worked with this girl.

I had to meet her.

So I did.

They were serving pizza for all the teens after Mass.  I saw the girl, again, and walked right over and sat down at the table across from her.  There was a guy next to me too, directly across from her.  I introduced myself, kept some lively small talk going, was friendly and cool and confident and happy — genuinely.  :)  Turns out the girl was younger than me, but not as young as I first thought.  She’s only 23.  I’m 28.  She’s a school teacher and active member of the Core Team.  And the guy sitting next to me was her fiance.  Good guy.  Sometimes I meet engaged couples and I’m not sure why they’re getting married.  It doesn’t always feel right.  But in this case, with these two, I felt good for them.  Knowing next to nothing about them, I could sense this was right and good.  I’m glad they’re getting married.

Really.

Although, she is very cute, and her soul is very bright.  I’m looking for those kinds of traits in my own dream girl.  (Among other traits too, of course.  But it’s definitely a must, a requirement in any girl I want to be with long-term.)

After dinner, everyone returned to church for some prayer and Eucharistic Adoration.  They had music and songs to go along with it.  Very beautiful.  Very powerful.  I could really sense God’s presence and Spirit in there.

I, of course, took this time to have a good chat with God.  It’s sooo easy to get caught up and distracted in life these days.  E-mails, phone calls, video games, TV, radio, work, work, work, play, play, play…  When’s time to be silent and be still with God?  You have to make it.  And I don’t always.  I should.  I could.  But I don’t.

So I took this time to cut out all the distractions and just be with and chat with God.

We talked about a lot of stuff.

Women.  Careers.  Goals and dreams.  Money.  Where I’ll be living after the end of the year.  Stuff like that.

It was good having a heart-to-heart with God again.

That girl was there too, of course.  And her energy, her spirit, the light in her soul was still shining very brightly.  Much more brightly and obvious than I’m used to seeing in most people, anyway.  My own spirit yearned for that — to have a girl like that in my life.  It’s hard to imagine, honestly.  It’s really rare I meet anyone who’s energy is so bright.  I’ve only seen it in people really close to God.

Then I remembered. A few friends have said I’m bright like that too.  They’ve said that they perceive me as “very close to God” or a “bright light” or they simply feel closer to God when they’re around me.  It’s hard for me to compare.  I’m me and I’m always me.  What do I feel like?  What do I look like?  Spiritually speaking.

I wondered… does my soul look like that girl’s soul?  Do spiritually tuned-in people see the same thing when they look at me?

If I want a girl who’s got a bright, shining glowing soul — it’s likely she wants the same in a man.

Do I desire it because it’s already in me?  Do I desire it because it is me?

I wonder what I look like.  I wonder how others perceive me.

Do I glow?

Is my soul bright too, to those that can see those sort of things?

I hope so.

Sometimes I feel far and disconnected from God.  Sometimes I feel lost, or lonely, or confused, or tired on my spiritual journey.  Some days, honestly, I’m not even sure if all this is real.  Can we really see souls?  Do angels really exist?  Does God really exist?  All the supernatural — is it really just natural and really nothing out of the ordinary, once we understand and see enough of the bigger picture?  People used to believe gods controlled the weather, the seasons, the sun and the moon.  Turns out gravity covers most of that.  Are spiritual experiences real?  Or are they something that seem real and feel real, but really are just tricks of our own physical brains?  Synaptic nerves firing off.  Nothing more.

I hope it’s real.  I hope God is real, and the angels are real, and all these spiritual and supernatural experiences are real.  But sometimes, I just don’t know.  Some days lately, I’m just not sure.

I think it’s healthy to question.  Healthy to be open and honest with yourself.  Healthy to ask why and ask how.  The human mind is partly defined by its curiosity and desire for learning and understanding.  So I don’t blame or criticize that part of me.  I think it’s natural and healthy.  But it’s also hard.

It’s hard because deep down, my heart desires it more than anything.  I desire to be close to God.  I hope all this spiritual stuff is real.  There’s been times in my life when I didn’t believe.  Times of deep doubt or total denial.  And a large part of my soul died.  It’s like I was disconnected from my Source.

I probably was.

To a point.  As much as anyone can be disconnected from a God who is everywhere and in everything. :)

Those were my darkest and most lonely moments.

When I didn’t believe.

And I feel best, most alive, when I do believe.

Certain things, anyway.  When I say “believe,” I’m not talking about blind faith or automatic acceptance of what some spiritual expert or teacher had to say.  There’s a lot of teachings out there.  Some of them are more aligned with teaching and promoting unconditional love.  Those are the ones that are closer to the truth.

And when I’m closer to that Source of Unconditional Love — aka God — I feel much more alive.  More much connected.  Much more healthy and alive, spiritually speaking.

This is probably a “no duh” for most people.

Of course I feel more spiritually alive and connected when I’m closer to God.  Duh.  That’s a no brainer.

Or is it?

If God wasn’t real, if the soul couldn’t connect with God in that way — would I really feel so different?  Would there be any difference?

I connect to characters in a movie.  I might be moved emotionally a bit.  Maybe a lot if the story hit really close to home.  But still, it’s nothing like what I feel when I get close to and connect with God.

Maybe there’s a difference because it is real.  Because there is something there.

Anyway, my good friend Danae just called, and I asked her if she could see if my soul glowed, if I was a bright light too.  She said yes.  Definitely.  With certainty.

And she said she knew she wasn’t the only one to tell me that.

I just … I dunno, maybe sometimes we need the reminder.  Because I am human too.  We’re all human.  And sometimes we forget the truth about ourselves.  Sometimes we forget to see the inherent beauty in ourselves.

With love,
your friend,
David Michaels

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