David’s Journal

The phone rings.  I look at the caller ID.  The area code is 808.

Hawaii.

I don’t answer.  I’m too scared too.  I know who it is.  I know why they’re calling.  I’m not ready.

A moment later, my phone chimes, letting me know I’ve received a voice mail.  I listen to it.  Yup, I was right.  One of my job applications — all the way over in Hawaii — got a response.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Hawaii’s been “calling” me for some time now.  Several months.  At least.

It started subtly.  Every day, at some random time or place, I’d hear or see the word “Hawaii” or “Aloha” or a picture of the islands.  Every day.  For months.  Honestly, I’m sure it wasn’t every-every day.  It couldn’t have been.  I think.  But I don’t remember going more than a day or two without something reminding me of Hawaii.

And this past week, it’s been several times a day.

Different places, different times, different ways.

Leaving the grocery store, I see a car parked next to mine — with a license plate from Hawaii.  I drive down the street a see a billboard about the Miss Hawaiian Tropic competition.  A customer at work wears a t-shirt advertising Hawaii.  I come home and find an e-mail, subject “Aloha,” from someone in Hawaii.  On a different day, I see another e-mail, about a Wayne Dyer event in Maui.  Another day, I get a voice mail from my grandpa, who mentions how my grandma just got back from Hawaii.  The radio station I’m listening to advertises a “trip a day” giveaway — to, you guessed it, Hawaii.

Hmm.

Every day, and lately, several times a day — something reminding me of that place.

Why?

Sure, I’m sure that by random chance, every now and then I’d see or hear something.  But 2-3 times a day, several days in a row, coming from difference sources and different places?

I’ve never been to Hawaii.  I think I’d like it there.  I’m pretty sure I would.  Everyone else seems to. :)  And on paper, it looks like a perfect fit.  I want mountains and I love it when they’re green.  I like it when it rains, and I prefer warm, tropical weather.  I love nature.  I want to live where there’s less traffic — even less than San Diego.  I want to escape from the rat race mentality and spend more time enjoying life.  I want places to hike and views to see.  I want running water — rivers, streams, even waterfalls if possible.

Some people say Hawaii is great to visit, but would be boring to live.  “There’s nothing to do there,” they say.  Well, I’ve heard people say that about major cities here on the mainland, too.  It all depends what you want to do.

Me, I love writing.  I can do that anywhere.  And I love nature.  Going out for a peaceful walk, enjoying the view, getting in touch with myself, with God, with Mother Nature … that’s paradise.  I also love investing, which again, I do online and therefore can do it from anywhere.  Even my entertainment company plans are designed to work with freelancers around the globe, with no geographic requirements.  I don’t need to live in L.A.

I’m not the kind of guy who enjoys hanging out at clubs or bars.  It’s just not my scene.  I don’t need ‘em.  I don’t use them.

When people tell me there’s “nothing to do” on a Hawaiian island, I think just the opposite.  What do you mean?! I think.  Go hiking, hang at the beach, pick up surfing, stay at home writing, hang out with friends, climb a mountain and see the view!  Something! :)

I had one friend say that the island was too small.  You can’t go on long drives.  True.  But how often are we taking long drives now?  With gas prices and all, really, I look for stuff to do at home or within walking distance.

So I don’t care.  I think I’d really enjoy living in Hawaii.

At least, I think so.  Having never actually been there.

So, with all the “signs” reminding me of Hawaii daily, I decided — just for fun, just “what if” — to apply to some jobs over there too.  I focused mainly on San Diego.  But I sent off a couple resumes over there too.

I really didn’t think anything would come of it.

Who’s going to hire someone out of state, across an ocean?  In fact, some employers specifically say in their “help wanted” ad that you MUST ALREADY be living on the island.

So when Hawaii called me back on a job application, I was surprised.

And I didn’t know what I was going to say.

I have one credit card maxed out, the other will be by the end of the month.  If sales don’t pick up soon, I’ll be late on a car payment next month.

How in the WORLD am I supposed to fly out to Hawaii, transport my car, and carry myself until I find a job and/or get my first paycheck???

“And Hawaii is soo expensive,” I’m frequently told too.

Yes, I know.  According to my grandma, nothing in the grocery store was under $10.  And think about it.  It’s an island.  Nearly everything has to be shipped and imported there.

But even after I’ve decided I’m not going, that it’s too expensive, too difficult, too unlikely — I’m still getting 2-3 reminders a day.  It’s not letting up.  And hasn’t for months.

So I don’t know.

And then to make matters more … interesting … my mom e-mails me out of the blue, very kind and genuine, offering me to come and stay with her and dad, if the job hunt doesn’t work out over here.

And here’s the crazy part!  I actually seriously consider it!

For a few days, I’m excited.  I want to move back to Florida.  I want to see my parents again, give them a great big long hug, and tell them I love them.  I want to see all my friends over there that I miss so much.  I want to hang out with my old friend Debbie and get into long discussions about spirituality, life, and the universe.  I want to get together with my old buddy Aaron and start working on a video or movie project of some kind.  I want to meet up with lots of old friends.  Even call up an ex-girlfriend and see if she wants to hang out as friends!

I’m looking forward to lower gas prices, lower cost of living, familiar sights, and enjoying spending time with friends and family I care so deeply about.  I miss them all so much.

I’m *this close* to deciding to move back, when all of the sudden, things start picking up at work.  Yesterday I made over $300 in commissions.  Awesome!  My next paycheck might actually be above minimum wage!  And my employer is starting to advertise more too, so it’s realistic to expect sales will continue to go up and stay up.

I’m happy here.  I don’t need to move.  I’m not looking to move.

But at the same time, deep in my heart and soul, I now know and clearly feel that it’s okay to be wherever I want now.  San Diego, Los Angeles, Florida, Hawaii, somewhere else — all are okay now.  My spirit guides me to feel at peace with any of those options.

I think it’s because I learned something recently.

I healed.

I learned how to let go.

I learned how to be at peace.

I learned how to live in the now.

Regardless of what’s going on (or not) around me.  Regardless if I think I’ll be able to pay my bills next month or not.  Regardless if I’m single or in a relationship.  Regardless of where I live or what I’m doing.

I found an inner peace.

I experienced an inner healing.

I found how to love myself, accept myself, trust myself, value myself — irrelevant to what else is going on around me in the external, physical and material world.

This happened about a week ago.  I didn’t say anything because, well, I didn’t feel I needed to.

I experienced it on the inside.

Where it counts.

I also saw how strong I was.  I stopped feeling weak, and tired, and like a victim of circumstance or the past.  I didn’t like how things were in the present necessarily, but I accepted them as is without resisting or complaining about it, and just decided to proactively take action about it.

Suddenly I wasn’t looking for a new job because I was desperate and scared of being destitute.  Suddenly, I was looking for a job because that’s what I needed to do, and could do, to take control of my undesirable financial situation.  It was more of a “okay, here we go” than a “oh my god, I need to do this or I’ll die.” :)

I’m at peace with whether I stay here, move back to Florida, or somehow find myself in Hawaii.

I’m living exactly one day at a time.  Making no promises or expectations or demands of tomorrow.

And Hawaii called.

I really don’t see how I’d even get there.

Or why there, why now?

I want to be around friends.  I don’t know anyone over there.  Yet.

Intuitively, guided by my heart and spirit, I want to go to Florida first — spend a few months there, stay through the holidays — and then after that, head over to Hawaii.

I sensed in my heart that it was better this way.  Because if I went straight to Hawaii now, without stopping in Florida first, I might not get another chance to really see my parents again.

I don’t know why I sensed that.  They’re not that old or anything.  Mid 50’s.  Maybe the cost of travel would become too expensive in the future.  Maybe I’ll start up my entertainment company and be so busy focusing on that, I just don’t have time to make a trip all the way out to the east coast.

Or maybe… something else.

This morning, I got another e-mail from my mom.  My dad had gone to the doctor for some tests.  He’s not in the greatest of health.  There’s some blockage in his arteries.  An irregular heartbeat.  And a hard lump on his chest.

My dad had cancer elsewhere in his body a few years ago.

Is my intuition telling me to go spend time with my family … while I still can?  I don’t know who’s going to die how or when.  I hope both my parents live a long and happy, healthy life.  But the fact of the matter is, anyone can die at any time.  From natural or unnatural causes.

My dad could get hit by a drunk driver running a red light.  My mom could fly to a spiritual retreat in another state, but something happens, and never come back.

My co-worker, and older gentleman who smokes, recently attended the funeral of one of his friends.  His friend was in his early fifties.  He was in excellent health.  Great shape.  He didn’t smoke, ate right, exercised, and was simply in great shape overall.  He died suddenly, unexpectedly, of a heart attack.  There were no warning signs.  No previous attacks.

In fact, my co-worker was planning to meet up with his friend later the day he died.

Death comes for us all.

One day, I too will leave this Earth in physical form.

Our spirit lives on.  We know this.  But being connecting with and experiencing one another physically is a gift all its own.

There are only so many tomorrows.

We shouldn’t wait to say “I love you.”  We shouldn’t wait to repair broken relationships.  We shouldn’t wait to heal old wounds.

There are only so many tomorrows.

That’s why living today, living in the now, is so important.  Who knows what tomorrow brings?  Great disaster or great fortune?  Blessing or sorrow?  More of the same or something new?

Nobody really knows.

I like living in the now.  I frees me from living in worry.

But living in the now also means living in the now.  Not just getting by, getting through, day by day.  But really living.  And appreciating.  And valuing.  And taking opportunities that present themselves.

Spiritually, I feel guided to go back to Florida for a few months.  Just a few months.  See my parents, spend some quality time with them, and share joy with all my other friends too.

And then, I don’t know what or how, I feel I’ll leave.  Onto my next destination.  Probably, I guess, Hawaii.

I feel that if I don’t go back to Florida now, that’s okay.  I’m free.  It’s my choice.  But if I choose that, I should know, that I probably won’t really have another chance to see my parents the way they are now.

I don’t know what that means.

It’s just what I feel.

So all these thoughts rest on my mind now.

I don’t know how I’d even afford moving back to Florida.  My mom has made it clear that she’ll only help pay my way back if I promise to stay for at least 2 years and have a solid and realistic plan for finding a good job right away.

I can’t commit to staying in Florida for two or more years.  And I won’t lie to my mom, say yes, and not intend to follow through.

Of course I’d get a job right away.  I still have a car loan and other bills I need to stay on top of.  But my intention of going back to Florida wouldn’t be as a semi-permanent relocation.  It’d be a temporary extended stay, to spend quality time with those I love, while I still can.

These are my thoughts today.

I’m open to feedback, suggestions, and ideas, if you have any. :)

Love always,
yours and those around you,
David Michaels

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