David’s Journal

“David’s Journal” seems to be turning into “David’s Dream Journal” lately.  lol.  Not much else is going on in life right now.  So, this is what it is.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  There’s always something going on.  Just nothing I feel the need to write out and share just yet.  Sometimes it’s best to keep things internal for a while.

But I had another strong dream last night.  This time, I was bitten hard (several times) on the finger by a snake.

The snake had crawled out of somewhere unexpected.  It kept lurking toward me, but I tried to avoid it and push it away.  The snake came back to me, more determined, and finally lunged its fangs into my index finger.  It bit hard, several times.

I grabbed the snake, bent it back, and crushed it and killed it … or so I thought (it started moving and coming back to life a few minutes later).

My finger tip was bleeding with several deep holes.  I didn’t know if the snake was poisonous.  Did I need to rush to the hospital?  Was I going to be okay?

I called 911.  A lady who barely spoke English answered, and I explained what happened and why I was calling.  She put me on hold to go look up snake information, so I could describe what it looked like, and she’d tell me if I’d be alright or not.  She put me on hold.  She kept me on hold.  I keep waiting and waiting, and she never got back to me, no response, leaving me unanswered.

The dream ended there.  I thought about trying to look it up online myself, but for some reason I couldn’t or it would take too long.  A friend was there the entire time.  I considered having them drive me to the hospital, just to be safe.  But like I said, I don’t know what happens next, because that’s where the dream ended.  911 leaving me on hold.

What do I think this dream means?

The pain of the bite was very real.  Like I even felt it physically while dreaming.  (I just checked and nothing actually bit me in my sleep last night.  hehe.)

To me, the snake represents my problems.  It came out of nowhere, kept coming towards me, and despite my efforts to keep it away, it finally got me and struck hard.

Since financial challenges are my greatest concern lately, I’m assuming it’s about that.  The bite hurt bad.  But I didn’t know if it would be fatal.

Calling 911, to me, represents calling heaven, or calling God, for help.  Was I going to be okay?  How was all this going to resolve?  Was it going to resolve, or would this financial problem end up being the end of me?

I needed an answer.  I needed to know if I was going to be okay.

And God never answered.

In real life, I’ve been told to trust, have faith, let go, do my best, but stop panicking and struggling and trying to control everything so things will work out.  In real life, God hasn’t answered me how things will work out or even if they will.  Instead he says he wants me to stop living in fear.  My trusted friends tell me about letting go and trusting.  But still, I get no answer.  Is this wound fatal?

The truth is, nobody knows.  The future is a mystery.  ANYTHING can happen at ANY time.

Unexpectedly, I might stumble across a much better job and get hired right away.  (I have been applying and sending out my resume again, just so you know.)  I might meet someone, or get some great business idea I can start doing and earning income from right away.  I might spontaneously decide to move somewhere else, that’s cheaper or more expensive, who knows, or end up living with a friend or meeting my soulmate or running into my future self time-traveling back in time to see me, or who-knows-what!  Anything is possible.  Yes, even the time travel part.  (Despite what some of you may wish or want to believe, science does support that possibility — we just don’t have the technology to send anything larger than a subatomic particle more than a few nanoseconds through time.  But scientists are doing that much.  Really fascinating research.)

Anyway, my point is, who knows what tomorrow holds?

I could die, or find buried treasure, or fall in love, or maybe business will suddenly start picking up at my current job and I won’t have to change anything!  (They are planning to start advertising soon.  That should help tremendously.)

Trust and letting go doesn’t have anything to do with the future.  It’s about getting through the present without pulling your hair out and having a panic attack every three seconds.  lol.  Having trust and emotionally letting go of the outcome just makes living today easier.  That’s all.

And technically, if you’re more relaxed and less stressed, you’ll act differently and make different day to day decisions, which actually will give you a different future than if you had been stressing and fretting the whole time.  So technically speaking, it does alter the future, but that’s a side effect of it.  It’s main purpose is about making the here and now more enjoyable — or at least, doable.

So I’m doing the best I can.  Some days, in my morning prayer time, my angel might ask me, just for the day, to try being just “okay.”  Not panic, not fear, not stress.  Just be okay.  It’s a baby step.  Ideally I should be relaxed, trusting, in the flow, etc.  But I’m not there yet.  You gotta crawl before you can walk.  You gotta walk before you can run.  And run before you can leap.  So my angel asked me to just crawl — practice just not panicking — for the day.  With a little practice, after that, then I can start to “feel better” and “begin to trust” and all that.

I’m learning how to relax — no matter what’s going on (or not), no matter what tomorrow may (or may not) hold.  *whew*  Who knows what tomorrow brings?  Maybe more of the same, maybe something new and totally different.  I just don’t know! I’ve tried controlling everything, tried taking massive action and making things happen…  I’m doing everything I can.  And still, I find myself running in circles.  Like a damn hamster on a wheel.  One day recently, I finally realized that my own thoughts are just running in circles.  Trying to solve my financial problem, I keep looking at the same options, over and over again, trying it from different angles every time.  But none of the options are working!

There must be some other solution that I’m not seeing.  All I know is, what I’ve been doing, thinking, and trying up to this point isn’t working, and isn’t really changing anything! So the one thing I haven’t done is stop.  Let go.  Stop trying.  Stop trying to figure it all out.  Let it go.  Relax, take a break, do something else.

I’ve been spending more time outside.  More time playing fun video games.  And spending as much time as I can with friends.  More time writing stories for fun.  I’m intentionally spending less time online.  I even got rid of that “StumbleUpon” add-on in Firefox.  I just noticed I was wasting hours channel surfing the web, but it wasn’t really helping me in any way.  I wasn’t helping me get new ideas, find inspiration, hope, healing, or anything like that.  I wasn’t really making me feel any better.  I was just a poor distraction, a perfect time waster.

I work 10 long hour days.  5 days a week.  To make minimum wage.  It sucks.  When I’m home and free, I need to make that time count.  So now I’m doing things that help me feel better, even in small ways.

Last night, after attending a spiritual meetup group, I decided to stop by Mission Beach before heading home.  I sat there in played in the sand for a while.  It sucked that I was alone, but I still had fun.

Today I won’t be on the computer much longer, either.  I’m doing my blog (writing helps me feel better) and checking e-mail and that sort of stuff, but after that, I’m doing other things.  I’m attending an entrepreneur meetup group over lunch today.  I’m broke, so I think I’ll eat at home before and just get water when I’m there.  But at least I’ll be meeting and interacting with people.  After that, who knows?  Maybe walk the mall, or come home and play X-Men Legends on my PlayStation 2, or write more of a story (which would be using the computer, but not to mindlessly surf the web), or maybe take another swim at the pool.

Life was stuck in a really unfulfilling, unhappy, stressful, struggling pattern.

So after trying EVERYTHING I could think of, and making no difference, no lasting change — I’m doing the one thing I can: interrupt the pattern by doing different things.  Obviously I can’t think of a lasting solution to my financial problems, so I’ll just keep applying for jobs and hoping things improve at my current one.  Meanwhile, and thereafter, I’ll do what little things I can to make myself feel better.  Like playing superhero video games, getting out in nature, and stuff like that.

One of two outcomes will come: either everything will work out, or it won’t.  Despite all my best efforts, I can’t seem to significantly change anything yet.  So all I can do is change my day to day living experience, breaking the pattern and cycle by doing other things where I can, and just continuing on where I can’t.

I hate feeling powerless.  I am not a powerless being.

But this issue, thus far (for the last six years, give or take), I can’t seem to get myself out of poverty no matter what I do.

So FUCK IT.

Fuck You, Poverty.

I hate you, you nasty ugly son of bitch!  And you’re taking more and more of my friends.  I really hate you.  And if I ever find a way to destroy you out of my life, I’ll teach everyone who wants to listen how to do the same in theirs!

Bitch.

You were the snake that bit me.  I haven’t died yet, but the venom could still be in my blood moving toward my heart.  You might get me.  You could kill me.

But I hate you.

And until you do or until I kill you, I’m going to play.

So FUCK you, Poverty.

Fuck you.

I hate you and everything you do to me and my friends.

I hate you.

Die, Poverty, die!

Love,
David Michaels

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