Ugly.

That’s how I feel inside.

So very ugly.

Like a sewer erupting.

Like a backed-up toilet in an over-used apartment complex.

Spewing out nasty crap,
nasty narly smelly disgusting crap.

From inside me.

I feel so disgusting.

I hate myself. I want to say I hate my life — but that’s not true.

I just feel … lost, pointless, hopeless. Full of despair.

Feeling trapped.

I try everything I can think of. Nothing’s working, nothing lasts.

It’s a CONSTANT BATTLE with myself to stay positive, stay hopeful, stay focused on the good.

Nothing makes sense any more.

Nothing makes sense any more.

I’m falling apart.

Yesterday, I cried that out to God. He said it was His doing; that His finger was in the middle of it. He was purposely “destroying” me (my word, not His). He was causing all the chaos and break-down.

It’s part of transformation, He said. I asked for this, He said.

I didn’t recall that.

He lightly, gently pointed out that on several occasions, I’ve asked to grow, but then He brought a more specific moment to mind. At least once or twice, in praying for my soulmate, I also asked God to make me into the man of her dreams. I wanted this amazing, wonderful, special, powerful, beautiful woman — and I knew I needed to be the same quality of person if I was to attract and keep her. So I asked that God make me into the man of her dreams. I was already asking that she be the girl of mine.

So that’s what this is all about?

Purification, preparation, transformation? Building up, strengthening, refining, maturing, deepening…?

I hate it.

It hurts. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts!

It really hurts.

And nothing I do, nothing I can think of, ends the pain.

Not patience and understanding, or faith and hope, or waiting, or activity, or prayer, or anything else.

They sometimes — sometimes, not always — are temporary relief.

But the pain, the purification I guess, has intensified.

Runs deeper.

Harder.

Harsher.

And now all this hate and anger and DISGUSTING crap is spewing out of my heart all day and all night long. I feel so disgusting. I hate it.

I’m angry, bitter, depressed, lonely, crossed, and snapping at random people on the road all day. Even when they’re driving fine and doing nothing wrong, I still emotionally feel it necessary to belittle them somehow.

Why?

This isn’t me?

Why is this disgusting CRAP coming out of *MY* Heart?

Why…?

I’m so burnt out, too. I’m struggling financially, but nothing I pursue has any worthwhile fruits. I’ve used intuition, my so-called “psychic powers,” to win at blackjack and slots at the casino. But whenever I go, I feel like I’m fighting for my own money. Casinos are rigged to win. They’re designed to take all my money, and sometimes give some of it back to some players. When aided by intuition, I’m able to sense events before they happen. Is the dealer going to bust? Is that slot machine going to pay out soon? I’m usually right. Not always. I’m not 100% accurate. But accurate enough to where I walk out with an extra $100 or so, starting with only $20 at a $5-minimum bet blackjack table.

Still though, it was fun at first, but now I hate going there. The energy there feels so … dirty.

It’s hard to explain.

I like making money on my money. It’s fun, and it’s a game. It feels good.

But that environment … I dunno. Yuck.

And I shouldn’t have to fight to keep my own money and make a little more.

There’s got to be an easier, cleaner-feeling way.

So I signed up for an “advanced” stock trading seminar. Invested $495 on it, believing the information and networking opportunity would be well worth it. It’s taught by Rich Dad Education, one of Robert Kiyosaki’s companies, the author of the highly successful and well-known Rich Dad Poor Dad series. I mentioned this to an old friend on the phone last night. She works in the government, and once she heard what company it was, she had some bad news.

Apparently, they’ve been getting an unusually high number of complaints about that program. People leave feeling cheated, that they didn’t get what they were promised, and the company wouldn’t give them their money back. Apparently, from what she’s heard from the complaints, they only teach you basics that you could easily find in a $20 book at Barnes & Noble.

Now, this is the information age, and I’m sure any seminar will have the same information found in various, cheaper books elsewhere — or if you search long enough, maybe even free online.

The advantage of taking an expensive seminar like this is to learn more, faster, better. You cut out a lot of fluff and filler, the information is organized for easier and quicker learning, and you’re surrounded by others who are learning the same thing. The kind of people with similar goals and on a similar path in life. Great for networking and building supportive relationships…

But, strangely (and I doubt the accuracy of this one), some people have complained that they don’t even let you network at this thing. Huh? I wonder how they’re supposed to stop you from networking? You can’t. Even on a lunch break, what’s to stop me from talk with others and swapping contact info? You can’t prevent networking. That’s probably just an exaggeration on the complainers part, I imagine.

But, not surprisingly, apparently 1/3rd of the 3-day seminar is a high pressure sales pitch to sign up for the “super advanced,” much-more-expensive training programs they offer.

Now, I understand business, and I know all about back-end sales and up-selling… But come on, give good content and people will want to sign up for more!

Am I the only person who believes this?

The Rich Dad brand name is a well-established, trusted brand. It’s on tons of books, a board game, and other businesses. Is this seminar really a waste of time and money? Apparently it’s been getting so many complaints, the DA may be doing an investigation soon!

Did I get suckered? Was I cheated or scammed out of my hard-earned, extremely limited money?

It’s too late to cancel now. I’m past my 3-day right to cancel option. I’m sure I’ll learn something. I’ve already learned a lot from the little take-home training materials they gave us. Maybe the complaints are out-dated and they’ve changed their format. Maybe some people are complaining because it’s not going to make them super rich over night, like they were hoping. Maybe there’s lots more people who took the course, are satisfied, and using that knowledge in the real world.

I want to be an investor.

I always have.

I want to invest in stocks. I want to invest in start-up businesses. I want to invest in land, hotels … yes, even maybe my own casino some day. We’ll base it on a science-fiction, fantasy, superhero theme. :) I can see it in Vegas now. :)

But who am I kidding?

I’ve been struggling financially for years.

And years.

Never getting ahead.

Business fails. Investments don’t pay off. Jobs suck and pay less than promised.

Expenses go up, income stays the same or goes down…

How am I supposed to get ahead?

And the GODDAMN TRUTH IS, I’M SO GODDAMN BURNT OUT that I don’t have the energy, drive, or commitment to see any more projects through anyway.

But where can I rest? How can I rest?

I can’t.

I’m too busy working 9-hour days without a break, barely earning enough money to survive.

And these past two weeks, work has been exceptionally slow.

I need to earn an average of $120 a day to break even, maybe save a tiny bit of money at the end of the money. That includes all my cost of living, plus the added expense my current job puts on my car: accelerated wear and tear, maintenance, and of course, gas. As a courier, driving about 250 miles a day, I’m spending close to $600 a month on gas right now. And gas prices keep going up, up, up.

Anyway, some days I make around $100, other days maybe up to $130 or $140. Once in a while, I’ll get a special out-of-county delivery, which pays really well, and I might even make $200 or more in a single day!

However, last week was crap.

I maybe averaged around $100 per day. Maybe a tiny bit more, but still under the needed $120 goal.

This week, it’s been even worse.

About $80 one day.

Maybe $105 the next.

And yesterday? About $75 earned — and a little over $25 spent in gas.

Fantastic.

This sucks.

Long hours. Unreliable pay. NO benefits, or sick pay, or time off, or ANTHING like that. They don’t pay for my gas. Certainly not for maintenance. My car is rapidly depreciating in value, because I’m putting around 1200 miles on my car per month!

*sighs*

But it’s the only job I’ve seen that pays remotely close to what I need.

Rent and utilities is $650. That’s very reasonable for San Diego. My friends in Wyoming and Minnesota can get a 2-bedroom apartment for that much … but again, that’s in a small town in Wyoming or Minnesota. My mom’s trying to persuade me to move back to Florida, where “it’s cheaper to live.” BULLSHIT.

Rent is only slightly lower in the Tampa area now, but the pay is significantly lower.

California may be “expensive,” but it’s home to tens of millions of people, and they’re not all independently wealthy. California has a higher minimum wage. Currently $8.00/hr. Most jobs pay above that.

The job market is also stronger out here. Just looking at online job listings alone, San Diego has far more options and listings than Tampa. And surprisingly, a lot of the Tampa listings were “work at home” so-called “business” opportunities and MLMs. I’m sure some of those are legit and viable, but I need a more stable, predictable, immediate income.

I don’t have time to build a business.

I NEED MONEY NOW.

Moving back in with my parents would be a hazardous thing for me anyway.

Their beliefs, values, morals, and mindset are so different from my own — and so not where I want to be.

I’m trying to heal sexually — living around them would be constant re-exposure to their old, conservative, 1950’s-mentality of waiting for marriage and sex is evil, blah, blah, blah. I’m trying to heal spiritually, but they’ve got it all figured out about who and what God is, how we should pray, what church to go to, and how you’re going to hell if you don’t, blah, blah, blah.

Besides, I’m 27 years old.

I don’t want to move back in with my parents.

But I’m running out of money. I’m exhausted. And I don’t want another job.

I don’t want another job.

A “job” is not the answer. A “job” is not the path to my goals.

I want to build a business. I want to be an investor. I want to be financially free.

I’m committed to that.

But if I moved back, they wouldn’t give me time to rest, or time to research and build a business, or anything like that. They’d say “get a job, hurry, with good benefits.”

Good benefits. Sometimes I think they worry more about that than if I actually like what I spend 8 or 9 hours a day, 40+ hours a week doing!

Getting a job with good benefits is PERFECT for a person in the E-quadrant (referencing Rich Dad’s Cash-Flow Quadrant book). For people who want security, for people who want to be employees.

I don’t want to be an employee. I don’t even want to be a small business owner. (S-quadrant).

I want to be an investor. I want to own a few companies…big or small, it doesn’t matter…but not be running them all day long.

Some people do that.

Why can’t I?

But where? How? With what resources?

I’m stuck.

I feel flat — like one of those big steam roller trucks… you know, the kind for flattening and smoothing out new roads… has run over me.

I’d say I feel like a pancake, but that’s too thick.

I’m like a big giant squashed flattened piece of ultra thin paper, spread all over the goddamn freeway.

That’s me.

Squashed. Flattened. Exhausted.

And no rest in sight.

That’s how I feel.

And I feel angry, and scared, frustrated, and depressed. Lonely, hurt, confused, angry some more…

Last night on the phone with my friend… we realized just how quickly time is flying by. We first met about 8 years ago. My 10-year high school reunion is later this year.

Time is just flying by.

And my life is nothing like I thought it would be.

That’s okay, I guess. What bothers me is that I have no real plan for the future that I believe in.

No goal that inspires me any more, because I’ve given up hope, because I lack the strength or courage to believe in my own dreams.

That’s really sad.

Somehow I got this reputation through my blogs that I’m a positive, upbeat, inspiration guy.

I don’t understand it.

Some blogs I’ll write intentionally to be that way. And some people will get something out of it. At least, a few people tell me they do. Maybe more do, and just don’t say anything.

But then I write from the heart and vent — like today — sharing how I’m scared, lonely, hopeless, lost… And for some reason, I seem to get a much greater response from others.

Some give the standard “hang in there” or “think positive” bullcrap.

I’ve heard it all before, thank you. I am hanging in there, I’m spending all my energy on thinking positive.

I’m spent. I’m out of energy.

The truth is, I’m not happy with my life.

I’m being honest with myself here. I can’t or won’t change the past (as if time travel really were possible), but that doesn’t matter. The past is past. It’s over. It’s done. Nothing to do about it now.

So here I am. Now what?

I always said, and always believed, that if you’re not happy with your life — change it.

I’m trying. I’m giving it my all — whatever I’ve got left to give.

In trying to create a better tomorrow, suddenly, I’m overwhelmed by the spewing of sewer shit coming out of my heart.

Maybe it’s part of the process.

Maybe it’s a cleansing, purification thing… like an enema for my heart.

All those years of being hurt and abused by my mother… all those years of struggling to survive on my own… All that hate and hurt that was never free to be expressed.

Maybe all of it is surfacing now, getting washed and flushed out now…

Maybe that’s all it is.

I don’t like it.

It makes me feel yucky. All day.

And I think most people don’t understand.

People don’t know how hard I seek God. How important the truth is to me.

People don’t realize, I think, how much I care — about myself, and others.

I don’t just want to be financially free for my own sake. I want to be financially free to enjoy life, yes, and then help others become financially free too.

Even in my plans for my entertainment company, I’ve included free on-going training, education, and support available to any and all employees (from the janitor to the CEO), for them to learn about investing, financial planning, and maybe even assistance starting their own business, if that’s what they want. I want my employees to be rich and financially free too.

Why? Wouldn’t I lose all my workers then?

Not at all. Not what I believe.

Because I’m also creative a desirable work environment. People don’t want to be rich so they can lay at home watching The Price is Right all day long. I believe, people want to be financially free so they can finally do what they love!

What if — and call me crazy, but what if — people loved what they did at my company?

Did work though found enjoyable, meaningful, purposeful, fulfilling…?

What if.

Why not?

A fun work environment, working with other passionate, alive people — all doing what they love. Working together. Working towards and sharing a higher vision, a greater good, that we all get to be a part of.

It makes me want to cry.

Because I think I have a beautiful vision.

And I see no way, nothing that I believe is possible for me, to get there…

…

I’m so sad.

I give up.

I’ve given my all. I have nothing left.

And no time to rest.

How can I live with myself?

My dream, my vision, my desire still lives somewhere in my heart, buried underneath all this muck.

But I can’t see it, I can’t feel it, I can’t fish it out…

It’s buried in there somewhere.

I need it to survive. I need it to live.

I am lost without.

But even if I had it, I have not the faith in myself to make it real.

I wish I did. People say they believe in me.

I used to, too.

What happened?

When did I die, and why?

I used to be so passionate, so alive, so determined and committed to my dream. NOTHING was going to stop me. No matter what.

What happened?

When did I give up, when did I stop believing, and why?

Why?

My purpose is at hand, and I have not the strength to reach out and take hold of it.

Instead my heart just keeps puking.

More spewing.

More trash.

More muck.

More nasty crap. This isn’t me, but it keeps coming out of me.

Why?

Is God really behind this? Is this just a deep soul-cleansing of some kind?

Or am I… is this… My inner world, my mind and heart, everything’s falling apart, collapsing, returning to chaos.

It’s like a massive, wide-scale death, in my inner world.

Death, I’ve learned from first-hand experience, is just a whole lot of transformation compressed into a small space of time.

Perhaps what feels like chaos and destruction, what feels like total collapse and break down, is really just a whole lot of change coming in a short period of time.

The old has to die, to make room for the new.

If that is true, and this is what’s happening in me… I wonder, to who and what am I transforming into?

Is this mucky, murky path actually necessary to my road to freedom?

Must I let go of all the old crap, the old way of being, the old way of thinking … to make room for new life, that will lead me to freedom, to joy, to fulfillment, to manifesting and actualizing my dreams?

Is my heart being purified and detoxed, to be made ready for when I finally meet my beloved soulmate?

I don’t know…

I guess the hope in that possibility is enough to get me through today.

I hope. It’s not much, but I have this little hope.

Maybe this is somehow all part of my path, on the road to greater good and freedom.

Maybe. I hope so.

…

For now, that’s all I’ve got.

And I feel a little bit…a little bit… better, getting all this out. I still feel sick. But I feel better having gotten some of this out.

The muck continues to flow.

I hate how this feels.

But now it’s time to go to work. To maybe pay the bills.

Good bye for now.

David Michaels

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